Radical Change, Installment #1

I can imagine that before you decide to become
a villain or superhero, thoughts like the
ones below must occur in your mind before
embarking on such a perilous journey. The
terms villain and superhero are used loosely...

I am ready to leave. Never before in my life
have I been so committed to one idea...the
idea of leaving; going, moving, beginning,
ending, improving, growing, changing...radically.

I am ready to leave. There has to be a reason
why I feel so out of place, so unevenly yoked
with the world around me, so at odds with my
own world of wondrous vision, so stagnated by
my immobility; and the only answer that my
heart and mind can or will agree upon is the
aforementioned five word sentence that began
this revelation.

I am ready to leave. When I exit a conversation
or the presence of others, there is not a single
inclination to say, "good-bye"...
To me, its implication is I do not plan on
seeing or talking to you again. Yet, lately, I have
begun fighting the urge to finalize conversations,
interactions, unedited works, projects, or other
tasks just so I can remove myself from what I
know as my world with a clear conscious. I want to feel
that all is well with my affairs, so that the radical change I
feel I desperately need is unconditionally welcomed
by every part of my being.

I am ready to leave. Never before, in my life,
have I been so committed to one idea; never before
has anything been so clear...

My life, as I know it, is over...
and a radical change must begin.

I am ready...

Treating Myself

I'm going out tonight,
dinner and a movie...
scratch that;

I'm going out this evening,
Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
hmmm wait;

I'm going out this afternoon,
late lunch, Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
better yet;

I'm going out today,
Ihop, GameStop, BestBuy...
late lunch, stroll through some stores,
Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
Popcorn, Twizzlers and a mixed ICEE.

I'm going out...treating myself...
because if I don't...who will?

Cut While Shaving

This morning I cut myself shaving...yes...a 33-year-old man
cut himself shaving. It's not like I'm a novice to this art of
image enhancement but alas, the razor parted the skin on
the lower right side of my jaw, adjacent to my chin, making
my goatee uniquely shaped (I think I like it!). As soon
as it happened I knew, just as anyone knows because I felt it.
I felt the razor glide across my skin, removing stubble and
skin in one even stroke.

As I continued shaving (because what
man actually stops shaving because he has cut himself),
my mind raced back to the beginning of my shaving process,
retracing the steps I took, and then analyzing the technique
I chose to employ to alleviate my face of the community of
black tops that began to emerge last night. I immediately
recognized the flaw of implementation. My flaw is one that is not
uncommon to us, men and women, who choose to remove
the shade from our skin...I pressed too hard with the razor.

Once I felt my skin part, my technique change and I began
to pay closer attention to my stroke, the strength I used to press
the blade upon my skin, and my intentions for this activity. I bring
up my intention because no one plans or expects to cut themselves.
True, it doesn't surprise the trimmers of the world when
it occurs* but the feelings are still the same when it does happen...
discomfort, disappointment, concern, peace in clarity, and if the cut is
deep enough, sometimes we feel pain.

I write all of this to say that there are times in our lives that we
attempt to shave, trim or plainly cut things, thoughts or people
out of our lives. Once we begin, we choose our tool of choice--some
of us use a single blade while others enjoy two or more blades with
a moisturizing strip (I'm a double blade with strip man myself).
Then, we use our tool of choice and the process appears relatively
simple and pleasant...until...we get cut or we cut ourselves...
meaning we have something happen that is unexpected
(possibly predictable because we know it can happen*)
and we must immediately adjust our technique by
analyzing our technique and intent of implementation. While we
reassess, we can and should continue even though there may be
discomfort, concern, disappointment, and sometimes pain. Regardless
of the initial feelings, there is always a peace in clarity that arrives
and we are better people for the experience.

We shave or cut things, thoughts or people out of our lives because
we know it's what we need in order to be happy and content with
ourselves. Everyone should be at peace with themselves and sometimes
the only way to do that is to clear the shaded areas of our lives.

What Does It Mean

Regardless of what it is, any decision of significance
has consequences. These consequences may affect you
indirectly but will directly affect someone you hold dear.

Is that the price of happiness? Success? Finding your dreams?

Placing passion over people, passion over reason (in some cases)
and passion over love, may very well be the ultimate
sacrifice for what you want.

Is that the price your willing to pay for happiness? Success?
Achieving your dreams?

A dream deferred immediately becomes it's polar opposite...
a nightmare...a haunting reality that plagues the mind with
such questions as What if? How come? If only? Could there
have been?

So when you hear the statements "Follow your dreams" or
"Do what makes you happy"; what do these statements really mean?
Are you being told to prepare to sacrifice almost everything to
achieve your goals? Are you being told that the only way you
can follow your dreams is by making a choice or a series of choices
that will ultimately end with someone you care about being hurt...
Even if the hurt is unintentional or only lasts for a limited amount
of time, would it be worth it to you?

Think about it...doesn't everyone successful person
have regrets? Do your research...YouTube some videos...look at
their facial expressions during interviews...watch TMZ...public figures
or people who are labeled as those who have sought out and either are
achieving or have achieved their dreams, give up a lot because of their
achievements, regardless of their level of wealth.

Everyone deserves to be happy and to have peace of mind.
Everyone may not fully understand that it may come at a price.
What price are you willing to pay?

Unforseen Emotion

The hardest thing I've ever done was
_______________. I told myself I
would never do that again. For a few years
I stayed true to my word until
I made an even harder decision. How could I
allow you to _______? Why would
I think this would be ok for us? Why would I
think this would be ok for me?! I'm clearly
not as strong as what you may have hoped
or as I would have liked to be. There is no way
to accurately describe how it feels to be ______
yet I know I can't fill your ears with such thoughts.

You have it hard enough as it is,
dealing with being ____________________. How
selfish would it be to burden you
with my inability or my unwillingness to deal with
the situation I created for us?

Why didn't I just take the blue pill
and leave this so-called reality behind
and enter into the real world, our new world?
No cameras, no plot driven non-script...
just us...being...

My Mind Is Filled

My mind is filled with memory lanes,
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze,
Bringing to light the darkness that has passed;
Past lives lived as present gifts disappeared...

Slowly...

Steadily...

Purposefully...

Stepping closer to an unknown vacancy filled with
Feelings of expectancy, expecting me to see
A sea of opportunity because what else could
Be there?

What else could await me?

The breast strokes of my best hopes hold on
To helplessness and careless lessons that
Beckon the day of reckoning that makes me
Accept the fact that I, alone, lack what it takes to be the
Man that I need to be, because seeing what I can be
Has been more influential than just being a human
Being in this stagnated enterprise, comprised of fire and ice,
Aggressively grasping the materials needed to make
A foundation strong enough to maintain change...
The only constant consistency within me...change...

The only constant consistency is
Not knowing who I am, yet feeling who I will be with He
Who holds my Trust because I want to trust another to
Be more than just thee...

My mind is filled with memory lanes,
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze that
Brings to me: things, places, people and ideas;
Ideally to heal me because what's real to me--
Ideas I can't see...
Feelings I can't feel...
But the promises I know await me.

My mind is filled with memory lanes
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze...
Upon the horizon of promises I know await me.

Excuse Me From Your Reality

This is a conversation…well, part of a conversation I had to have with myself during a time of turmoil in my life. It’s a little animated but, well...I'm a creative thinker and writer...

I’m not really sure how it has gotten to this point. What I do know is that I’m tired. Regardless of your feelings or how life is stressing you, I…ME…I AM TIRED, STRESSED and on some days not even sure who I am other than a mindless drone, going through the motions of life until I can effectively deal with MY LIFE. Yet, for some reason, there is your audacity knocking at my door…your impatience with what I’m doing, with what I need, because your “eye” only sees what you want.

Funny how that works out isn’t it…BUT not as funny as your repetitive manipulation or attempt to change situations to fit your benefit, your dreams or YOUR fantasies. If you like, I can just drop everything and cater to your every wish…maybe then, when I have neglected everything that is important in my life, MAYBE then you will have had your fill of ME and suggest I do some things for myself…after I have wasted time...with YOU.

Too bad you don’t have enough sense to support me or just leave me to my business so that I can take care of my responsibilities. Instead, you throw subliminal jabs when I decline an offer to “chill”, “hang out” or to do anything other than what I need to do. Excuse me and my life…as a matter of fact, PLEASE EXCUSE ME from YOUR reality and I wish you "NOTHING" because obviously that’s what you wish for me.