Talking to Myself Again

If I waited to see you, I’d probably stumble over words and jumble phrases, give so many examples and analogies you’d feel like I’m taking you on an amazing race through mazes as if I’ve only grazed over a speech that someone else prepared, but…in fact I’ve stared…gazed upon these thoughts—my life in lines that you could finally follow to the point where I am today, which is that I’m missing you like crazy.

I dare not say that I know what you are thinking but a possibility that may be creeping--the question of why am I making such a simple statement an enormity of complexity.  If you haven’t, then that only makes one of us and I’ve grown accustomed, although we’ve been together, for the most part, for too many years only now for me to realize that we have been never been one.  Despite efforts that I, at the time, felt were sincere but with hindsight, I know that no one could make the decisions I’ve made, been the way I’ve behaved and still wanted to be taken seriously, but for me, right now as I pray you can hear me speak as you read, I want you to know that I’m missing you like crazy.

Maybe I’m old news or my ship has sailed, I may be the old thing that has passed away…but for some reason, you have been on my brain like that gray matter, you two could be one in the same—the thing that controls me, the one that drives me, finds me when I’m lost and guides me back to safety.  Yet, I know now that I cannot count on that light from your lighthouse, to lead me by illumination…and I know what you’re saying, yes, I know what you’re thinking, that it’s far too late because you’ve changed the station.  If that is the case, then I wish you all the positive thoughts the world can send your way, but I had to let you know, that I’m missing you like crazy.  

Premeditated

So, I decided to end it all and commit all of my resources into doing so. At first, I was a little apologetic but those emotions became less and less sincere as I recited my statement of why I chose this course of action. The bottom line, as I like to say, is that when I attempted to balance the equation of my life, there were inequalities that needed to be eliminated. There were also a few key variables that needed to be added in, controlled variables that factored into why I am not content with the current standings of my empire. When everything was properly entered into equation the only viable answer was this…

Therefore, I’m ending this pathetic attempt at living and I’m making the choice to do what’s necessary for me to have peace. I’m sure there will be those that say they miss me…I imagine a few may mean it. Some may plead the case that there is always another way; that ending a life is never the answer. Well, that may be the case for others but not I. I, stand firm in my decision to dissolve my association with everything I’ve grown to know and love, even those who have tried to stand by me, comfort me and support me.

Feeling like a burden, being a burden to others is not my idea of living, yet, that is what I’ve been doing for the past few years. I know some psychologist may try to psycho analyze this, pointing out all of the I’s, relating it to a selfish act brought on by some condition that no one can pronounce to properly categorize my mental state upon my exit. Well, I know this is selfish. Of course it is! I’m looking out for myself, my feelings, and my well-being. The way I’ve been living has been torturous…I turn away from mirrors because I don’t see any reflection I recognize. I am so disappointed that I allowed my happiness to get away, that I bent and twisted my perception of life into such an unreasonable sense of reality that I can no longer recognize myself.

So many others could do so much more being in my shoes…so I’m providing that opportunity now. I’m leaving a list of people I’ve been investigating over the last year that would benefit greatly from the things that I will no longer need or use. Please follow the directions specified on the DVD recording. There will be no evidence of my remains. By the time this letter has been read, all of my assets will be liquidated and any funds, properties or assets unspecified for disbursement will be with me.

Clearing his throat, the family attorney breaks the silence in the room. “As you can see, Mr. Orswell has taken care of all logistics in matters of his estate. It appears he has been planning this escape for quite some time. Are there any questions?”

There are looks of horror, disgust and sadness throughout the room. Tears, mumbles and expletives are released as the reality began to sink in. He was gone. And no one would ever know where or how he could have pulled this off without anyone knowing.

“Yes, I have a question,” laughed Mrs. Orswell. “How is it that a man who was declared medically incapable of motor skills able to do all of this?” “Practice,” his eldest son replied.

“Patience and practice. Wasn’t that his motto? Oh wait...that was yours too.  I guess you his best friend Phillip can stop sneaking around now.”

“Watch your tongue young man! How dare you accuse…”

“Save it mom,” Brad interrupted. “Just save it…”

Mr. Orswell watched closely via satellite to ensure the reading was successful. He smiled, then, boarded an unmarked plane, determined to live out the rest of his days in peace.

Not an Original Thought

Never liked the word never thought I've used it a few times, most days I set my gaze on endless possibilities. Probably not an original thought, but that action or reaction makes life represent my art.

Let's think about ever again, or maybe ever after, endings can be predictable to end these chapters; No excuse for losing joy, happiness is employed so if you lose it, don't confuse the opportunity for more; You are worth way more than what your mind can score or, what your eyes can believe, life's like a movie individually themed, gleamed with those flashing lights, dark nights bring brighter days, so the saying goes...
 
But who needs another clever cover, slogan, song lyric, big brother spreading easier said than done words that do little to herd sorrow, aching, stomach turning emotion? Who could live ten thousand forevers and never want to hear poor analogies for optimistic realities, never want to see silver linings of just right timing because watches have been broken, clocks have been stolen and never ever could anyone predict that in the midst of attempting to extend pick-me-ups, life continues on and...sucking it up sucks, so that's why I...

Never liked the word never though I've used it a few times, most days I set my gaze on endless possibilities. Probably not an original thought, but actions and reactions makes life represent my art.