Dear (To Whom It May Concern) #3:
I have finally decided. I’m going to do it. I knew that if I told you face to face you would try to say something to talk me out of what I have determined is the best way for me to handle this situation. I knew that the look on your face would be imprinted upon my brain and I would never be able to implement, if I may say so, the perfect plan to thrust me into my destiny. Careful consideration has been taken to ensure that I am acting purely on behalf of myself. Now, this may be considered as a selfish act when worded in such a way but believe me, it has taken quite a bit of concentration and focus to empathize with those who may feel a certain kind of way about my decision. Although it may not be a popular choice, it is my choice…and mine alone.
It has taken me 3 months to understand that with anything you do in life, you cannot please everyone. And with decisions that alter our realities, such as, which sport or instrument to play, which guy you will allow to take you to the prom and possibly be your “first”, which college to attend or what career will make you happy but also allow you to live the life that you have envisioned for yourself; these decisions have the potential to hurt your closest friend and break the heart of your one true love. These decisions can disappoint your parents and make you the topic of every family holiday gathering. So, I suppose when you give or read this letter to them, you can let them know that I couldn't give a damn who doesn’t respect my decision or who is hurt by it.
I’ve had to deal with their poor decision-making over the years and I’m sure none of them ever wondered, “Hey, I wonder how _______ would feel if I did or said this?” No! You know what I did get though? Slaps in the face, public ridicule, disrespect, jabs at my self-esteem, taunts, back-handed compliments, a detailed list of my short-comings, too many I told you so statements, and even pros and cons lists that clearly placed me at the top of several totem poles. Yes, the top. The top actually represents the thing that is least important, not the bottom...
I’m tired of being rejected, subjected to mind games and heartless comments followed by “I’m just playing” comments. I’m tired of worrying if I’m good enough for…for anyone! I’m tired of studying for weeks only to earn a C-. I’m tired of cooking, cleaning, serving plates, washing clothes, being reminded of him with almost everything I do! I’m tired of being the one who is always there, the one he can count on, the one who deserves more…I mean seriously…if I deserved more yet we both know you’re giving her those things then obviously I’M NOT WORTH IT TO YOU! So why let that _____ leave your cold lips? I don’t deserve this…any of this…from family to so-called friends to lovers…I don’t need this…
So…I’ve decided…I’ve decided to make the decision to change my reality. At this point, my life is not one to be envied. It is not one that can be a testimony because I have yet to come out of any storm. It is not a life that anyone can learn from because who would be foolish enough to place herself in this position. I feel as helpless as a butterfly with no wings…I have decided to do the only thing that will end all of this…this reality that I have grown to reluctantly accept as my life…I have decided to grow wings…
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Obsessive Tendencies
On a recent flight, I was thinking of my future, things I want to do, places I want to see, the usual random thoughts and I came across an important question. Have I always had obsessive tendencies? I used to look at my habits as "the right way of doing things", perseverance or the passion of a perfectionist; at least that's how I saw it as a kid. Now, I may be simply classified as O.C.D., seems like a downgrade from a dynamic personality.
As a kid, my allowances/piggy bank savings were spent on Pac-Man, screaming in a rage if someone bumps me or talks to me, saying silly statements like, "your mom's leaving you." Who cares?! I'm in a groove, it's like the joy stick is an extension of my brain and my hand merely moves so that your feeble minds can comprehend the greatness that is right in front of you. This isn't just a game! It's a challenge! It's a refuge! It's a constant taunt at my ability and intelligence. If my score isn't higher than my previous attempt, I have wasted time, and time is only meant to be spent doing what you love with those that you love but if your love can't over-stand me then I'll just continue doing what I love.
My toy chest was probably the most organized of all of my family & friends. I took great pride in placing each action figure, car or miniature arcade game (Yes they had those. I had Donkey Kong, Q-Bert and PAC Man). I would position each one perfectly so that if someone were to accidentally bump into the chest, none would fall. I could also tell if anyone moved any of my toys by doing this as well. There were 4 shelves on the chest and each shelf would have a theme of figures: He-Man, Star Wars, Transformers and a random shelf that had G.I. Joe and other miscellaneous things on it. I would dust my toys and the shelves at least once a week. Below the shelves was the actual chest. Inside things were in order according to the side of the chest. Each side was for a particular type of toy. Sometimes this area would get a little messy but I could close it so no one could see. My toys were very special to me. To paraphrase the song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, they were my escape into other worlds of pure imagination. What I would see would defy, explanation!
My clothes had to be ironed before I wore them or they just didn't feel right on my body. And of course there is a particular way to iron my clothes. Sleeves need creases, pants and shorts too! My undershirt needed to be wrinkle free as well so that it rested gently on my skin. It wasn't until I was about 25 that I began to force myself not to iron my gym clothes, but I still do sometimes because the color of my t-shirts may have that "bacon neck" thing going as shown in those Jordan Hanes commercials.
So now, with the successes of modern science I was relieved of my "eccentric" label and given a more "appropriate" one, "Slight Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" or "O.C.D." That's not something you can brag about. It's kind of a killjoy actually. Since it's Monday, I will say, "F the diagnosis! I'm just gonnabe eccentric!" That's how my dad describes me anyway! *sticks tongue out here*
As a kid, my allowances/piggy bank savings were spent on Pac-Man, screaming in a rage if someone bumps me or talks to me, saying silly statements like, "your mom's leaving you." Who cares?! I'm in a groove, it's like the joy stick is an extension of my brain and my hand merely moves so that your feeble minds can comprehend the greatness that is right in front of you. This isn't just a game! It's a challenge! It's a refuge! It's a constant taunt at my ability and intelligence. If my score isn't higher than my previous attempt, I have wasted time, and time is only meant to be spent doing what you love with those that you love but if your love can't over-stand me then I'll just continue doing what I love.
My toy chest was probably the most organized of all of my family & friends. I took great pride in placing each action figure, car or miniature arcade game (Yes they had those. I had Donkey Kong, Q-Bert and PAC Man). I would position each one perfectly so that if someone were to accidentally bump into the chest, none would fall. I could also tell if anyone moved any of my toys by doing this as well. There were 4 shelves on the chest and each shelf would have a theme of figures: He-Man, Star Wars, Transformers and a random shelf that had G.I. Joe and other miscellaneous things on it. I would dust my toys and the shelves at least once a week. Below the shelves was the actual chest. Inside things were in order according to the side of the chest. Each side was for a particular type of toy. Sometimes this area would get a little messy but I could close it so no one could see. My toys were very special to me. To paraphrase the song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, they were my escape into other worlds of pure imagination. What I would see would defy, explanation!
My clothes had to be ironed before I wore them or they just didn't feel right on my body. And of course there is a particular way to iron my clothes. Sleeves need creases, pants and shorts too! My undershirt needed to be wrinkle free as well so that it rested gently on my skin. It wasn't until I was about 25 that I began to force myself not to iron my gym clothes, but I still do sometimes because the color of my t-shirts may have that "bacon neck" thing going as shown in those Jordan Hanes commercials.
So now, with the successes of modern science I was relieved of my "eccentric" label and given a more "appropriate" one, "Slight Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" or "O.C.D." That's not something you can brag about. It's kind of a killjoy actually. Since it's Monday, I will say, "F the diagnosis! I'm just gonnabe eccentric!" That's how my dad describes me anyway! *sticks tongue out here*
Monday, July 12, 2010
Dear (Insert Name Here), #2
Dear (Insert Name Here),
I have thought about all that you said and quite honestly,
you have balls mister! You have never been the
mostly timely I can assure you of that. I'm not sure if this
is a test of my faith or a test of wills but I do not appreciate
being placed in this position at all. Do you know how long
I waited to hear those words from you? Do you know?
Do you?!
There was a time where I would've given anything to hear
you say half of what you told me. I would stay awake at
night praying for God to help me deal with my desires for
you to be a permanent part of my life. I would rack my
brain in search of a reason why things seemed to go wrong
whenever we tried to be together or why it didn't work in
the first place.
I was very patient with you. I even stopped making excuses
for you and began to accept your flaws, just because I wanted
you to look at me the way I looked at you. And when it was
all said and done, I began a long and arduous road to learning
to live without the dream of us. I finally broke out of my
shell and dated. I even talked to you about those girls you
called yourself dating. But through it all, I found one truth
about you that I couldn't escape and had to accept...there is
one thing that always happens when we get close. When the
dust settles, I always find myself in a state of disappointment.
So, not to be rude or inconsiderate of your feelings, because
I do still love you, I am just unsure that I am willing to risk being
disappointed and completely destroyed emotionally again by
taking a chance with you. You are really selfish, did you know
that? All this time and NOW you want to tell me this?!
After all of the work I've done to get myself back on track,
I really want to stay on track. Lauryn Hill said it best, "Loving
you is a battle, and we both end up with scars".
I don't know...I'm going to have to take some time and
think this through because even though he proposed, I told him
that I would need some time. And now that my best friend has
decided he wants to "come clean", my head is spinning. You see,
unlike you, he has yet to disappoint me, unlike you, who seemed
to have mastered that skill.
And that's what I am afraid of. I'm afraid that he
will eventually disappoint me too and then what will I do?
Will I be able to handle it? Will I forgive him? Or will the ghosts
of our past come back to haunt me and ruin my chances at happiness?
Should I give you a chance, knowing what I'm getting myself into,
possibly being disappointed again?
I have a lot to think about now...thanks a lot...
I have thought about all that you said and quite honestly,
you have balls mister! You have never been the
mostly timely I can assure you of that. I'm not sure if this
is a test of my faith or a test of wills but I do not appreciate
being placed in this position at all. Do you know how long
I waited to hear those words from you? Do you know?
Do you?!
There was a time where I would've given anything to hear
you say half of what you told me. I would stay awake at
night praying for God to help me deal with my desires for
you to be a permanent part of my life. I would rack my
brain in search of a reason why things seemed to go wrong
whenever we tried to be together or why it didn't work in
the first place.
I was very patient with you. I even stopped making excuses
for you and began to accept your flaws, just because I wanted
you to look at me the way I looked at you. And when it was
all said and done, I began a long and arduous road to learning
to live without the dream of us. I finally broke out of my
shell and dated. I even talked to you about those girls you
called yourself dating. But through it all, I found one truth
about you that I couldn't escape and had to accept...there is
one thing that always happens when we get close. When the
dust settles, I always find myself in a state of disappointment.
So, not to be rude or inconsiderate of your feelings, because
I do still love you, I am just unsure that I am willing to risk being
disappointed and completely destroyed emotionally again by
taking a chance with you. You are really selfish, did you know
that? All this time and NOW you want to tell me this?!
After all of the work I've done to get myself back on track,
I really want to stay on track. Lauryn Hill said it best, "Loving
you is a battle, and we both end up with scars".
I don't know...I'm going to have to take some time and
think this through because even though he proposed, I told him
that I would need some time. And now that my best friend has
decided he wants to "come clean", my head is spinning. You see,
unlike you, he has yet to disappoint me, unlike you, who seemed
to have mastered that skill.
And that's what I am afraid of. I'm afraid that he
will eventually disappoint me too and then what will I do?
Will I be able to handle it? Will I forgive him? Or will the ghosts
of our past come back to haunt me and ruin my chances at happiness?
Should I give you a chance, knowing what I'm getting myself into,
possibly being disappointed again?
I have a lot to think about now...thanks a lot...
Dear (Insert Name Here), #1
Dear (Insert Name Here),
I haven't been very honest with you over the years, but this
is no surprise to you I'm sure. You have always had a way of
knowing something even when I never said a thing. I guess
that intuition thing was more accurate than you or I wanted to
believe. But as I was saying, I have kept many things
from you and I decided that the only way to tell you would be
for me to write this letter, memorize it, then approach you
with my manly stance and a voice of conviction. The things
I'm going to tell you aren't easy for me to say and may not
be easy for you to hear. One thing will be clear, after
hearing this, you will either want to be with me for the rest
of your life or you will never want to smell any scent that
reminds you of me.
Ever since the first time I saw you, I knew we would have a
future. I was sure that any girl that could take my breath
away with her smile and could make me feel at peace with
her voice was definitely my heart's desire. Whether you
acknowledge it or not, even though we have not been together,
the time that elapses during spells of no communication never
seem to diminish our connection. Whenever I have good
news or bad, you are always there, even more than I am
for you. But that's what I want to change. I want to be there
for you, loving you beyond a shadow of a doubt so that when
you feel low, high or somewhere in between, you know that I'm
right here, for you.
Many times I look back on the days we had and wonder why didn't
I realize what I truly needed because right now, I know that over
the past few years I have really needed you. I have made it but
it would've been a lot sweeter to make it with you. Most of the
things you did with and for me are what I feel I've needed in my
life the most. Your support and encouragement has always seen
me through even when I couldn't see the way. I appreciate that
quality in you. I appreciate the woman that you were and the woman
that I have had the privilege of seeing grow over the years.
I proudly admit that the way you loved more has never been
replaced by any other woman that has come into my life after you.
Even the ones who you didn't like or approve of when you were
"just trying to be a good friend to me". Your loving was complete.
It filled me up, it sustained me, it created moments that I still
dream about til this day! No other woman has done that because
no other woman has had the combination of a personality and
beauty that you continue to maintain at the highest level.
Now, I won't say that any man would be blessed to have you in his
life because that is a lie. It's a lie because any man just won't do for
you! You're too special to have any man. But if I'm deemed as any man,
and you decided to give me the opportunity to be with you, I would
spend my life trying not to be any man. I would dedicate my all to you,
to my elusive dream...my greatest joy.
I guess you may be wondering where all of this is coming from. You're
probably wondering why am I telling you this now since we are "just
friends" and that we have agreed that a relationship is just not possible
between us. The most honest answer that I can give is that all of this,
is coming from my heart. All of this is coming from the man within this
shell of a body. All of this is coming from a place inside of a man that
scares me. It scares me because of the intense passion and love that
flows from this place could overtake me and leave me defenseless.
All of this comes from me, a man who realizes that he has always been
in love with you and wants to share and
enjoy love with you for the rest of our lives.
Please understand, I'm not telling you this just because he proposed.
I'm telling you this because I feel like you made a decision based on
some of the facts, not all. I'm not trying to create any drama and I
know this is a selfish thing to do, but if I never said this to you, I
couldn't have forgiven myself. If you still choose him, then you do.
But at least you know that what I'm saying is true. Just look into my
eyes, you know it's there...you can see it, just as you always could.
I haven't been very honest with you over the years, but this
is no surprise to you I'm sure. You have always had a way of
knowing something even when I never said a thing. I guess
that intuition thing was more accurate than you or I wanted to
believe. But as I was saying, I have kept many things
from you and I decided that the only way to tell you would be
for me to write this letter, memorize it, then approach you
with my manly stance and a voice of conviction. The things
I'm going to tell you aren't easy for me to say and may not
be easy for you to hear. One thing will be clear, after
hearing this, you will either want to be with me for the rest
of your life or you will never want to smell any scent that
reminds you of me.
Ever since the first time I saw you, I knew we would have a
future. I was sure that any girl that could take my breath
away with her smile and could make me feel at peace with
her voice was definitely my heart's desire. Whether you
acknowledge it or not, even though we have not been together,
the time that elapses during spells of no communication never
seem to diminish our connection. Whenever I have good
news or bad, you are always there, even more than I am
for you. But that's what I want to change. I want to be there
for you, loving you beyond a shadow of a doubt so that when
you feel low, high or somewhere in between, you know that I'm
right here, for you.
Many times I look back on the days we had and wonder why didn't
I realize what I truly needed because right now, I know that over
the past few years I have really needed you. I have made it but
it would've been a lot sweeter to make it with you. Most of the
things you did with and for me are what I feel I've needed in my
life the most. Your support and encouragement has always seen
me through even when I couldn't see the way. I appreciate that
quality in you. I appreciate the woman that you were and the woman
that I have had the privilege of seeing grow over the years.
I proudly admit that the way you loved more has never been
replaced by any other woman that has come into my life after you.
Even the ones who you didn't like or approve of when you were
"just trying to be a good friend to me". Your loving was complete.
It filled me up, it sustained me, it created moments that I still
dream about til this day! No other woman has done that because
no other woman has had the combination of a personality and
beauty that you continue to maintain at the highest level.
Now, I won't say that any man would be blessed to have you in his
life because that is a lie. It's a lie because any man just won't do for
you! You're too special to have any man. But if I'm deemed as any man,
and you decided to give me the opportunity to be with you, I would
spend my life trying not to be any man. I would dedicate my all to you,
to my elusive dream...my greatest joy.
I guess you may be wondering where all of this is coming from. You're
probably wondering why am I telling you this now since we are "just
friends" and that we have agreed that a relationship is just not possible
between us. The most honest answer that I can give is that all of this,
is coming from my heart. All of this is coming from the man within this
shell of a body. All of this is coming from a place inside of a man that
scares me. It scares me because of the intense passion and love that
flows from this place could overtake me and leave me defenseless.
All of this comes from me, a man who realizes that he has always been
in love with you and wants to share and
enjoy love with you for the rest of our lives.
Please understand, I'm not telling you this just because he proposed.
I'm telling you this because I feel like you made a decision based on
some of the facts, not all. I'm not trying to create any drama and I
know this is a selfish thing to do, but if I never said this to you, I
couldn't have forgiven myself. If you still choose him, then you do.
But at least you know that what I'm saying is true. Just look into my
eyes, you know it's there...you can see it, just as you always could.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Her Confession, His Reply
She confessed, "I need to whine tonight". His eye brows rose,
and the lump in his throat moved up and down slowly.
She erupted, "Don't worry about it, I'm going to Jenny's!
A girl's night is beckoning". His chin fell against his sternum,
as a quiet sigh escaped from his lips. "I don't need a daddy!
I have one! He is perfectly capable of performing his fatherly
roles. You have proven that you don't care enough JUST to listen...
I'll see you later." He reached out for her...barely missing her
shoulder as she turned quicker than he anticipated. His lips parted,
"Shelly," but the sound of the door closing muffled his attempt.
Confusion chose his face as its playground. I can't stand to
see her hurting...when she tells me her problems...I don't know,
I just want to see her smile more, laugh more and not be so on edge.
I miss the fun-loving Shelly. So yes, I think of ways to fix or
solve her problems. It's draining to be the one who gets all the
whining, complaining, mood swings and statements of insecurity.
I can't remember the last time she told me a joke or really laughed
with me, much less laughed at herself...I miss her...
As she backed out of the driveway, he burst through the front
door yelling, "I'M NOT TRYING TO BE HIM!
I'M TRYING TO LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU!
I JUST WANNA SEE YOU SMILE AGAIN!"
Immediately stopping and letting down her window, Shelly confessed
again. "What? What did you say? I had the music up too loud. David!
What is it?! It's too hot out here for this!"
Once again, his chin fell against his sternum, as he turned
and went back into the house...see you when you get back...
and the lump in his throat moved up and down slowly.
She erupted, "Don't worry about it, I'm going to Jenny's!
A girl's night is beckoning". His chin fell against his sternum,
as a quiet sigh escaped from his lips. "I don't need a daddy!
I have one! He is perfectly capable of performing his fatherly
roles. You have proven that you don't care enough JUST to listen...
I'll see you later." He reached out for her...barely missing her
shoulder as she turned quicker than he anticipated. His lips parted,
"Shelly," but the sound of the door closing muffled his attempt.
Confusion chose his face as its playground. I can't stand to
see her hurting...when she tells me her problems...I don't know,
I just want to see her smile more, laugh more and not be so on edge.
I miss the fun-loving Shelly. So yes, I think of ways to fix or
solve her problems. It's draining to be the one who gets all the
whining, complaining, mood swings and statements of insecurity.
I can't remember the last time she told me a joke or really laughed
with me, much less laughed at herself...I miss her...
As she backed out of the driveway, he burst through the front
door yelling, "I'M NOT TRYING TO BE HIM!
I'M TRYING TO LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU!
I JUST WANNA SEE YOU SMILE AGAIN!"
Immediately stopping and letting down her window, Shelly confessed
again. "What? What did you say? I had the music up too loud. David!
What is it?! It's too hot out here for this!"
Once again, his chin fell against his sternum, as he turned
and went back into the house...see you when you get back...
Monday, July 5, 2010
Turning Choices Into Memories
Regardless of the amount of experiences you
may have, sooner or later a decision has been
made to do or not to do something. It may be
part of a plan to improve your life. It may be
because those behaviors may not excite or
benefit you anymore. Whatever your reason,
you made a decision and moved forward, turning
choices into memories.
I would like you to keep in mind, as you move forward,
it is important not to judge those who may not
have turned their choices into memories. I have
witnessed and participated in such acts of
hypocritical reasoning but luckily, I had a moment
of clarity before too much time had passed.
I realized that everyone doesn't change,
bend or grow at the same time, or when I
may want them too. Things that I find
important, or not so much anymore, represent
a personal value system that cannot govern
the actions of anyone else.
So, when I hear statements like,
"He used to do a lot of dirt in undergrad;
She cheated on him with his friend;
I heard you got around back in the day;
She used to drink more than most guys;
He was the laziest one of all," I shake my
head. I shake my head because I recognize
that each statement is made in the past
tense, which means the actions mentioned
were also performed in the past.
(I hope you see where this is going)
A wise woman stated "Those
who always remember and bring up how you
were in the past, never really wanted the
best for you". As you look to leave things
in the past and move forward, turning choices
into memories, make sure you allow others
to do the same.
may have, sooner or later a decision has been
made to do or not to do something. It may be
part of a plan to improve your life. It may be
because those behaviors may not excite or
benefit you anymore. Whatever your reason,
you made a decision and moved forward, turning
choices into memories.
I would like you to keep in mind, as you move forward,
it is important not to judge those who may not
have turned their choices into memories. I have
witnessed and participated in such acts of
hypocritical reasoning but luckily, I had a moment
of clarity before too much time had passed.
I realized that everyone doesn't change,
bend or grow at the same time, or when I
may want them too. Things that I find
important, or not so much anymore, represent
a personal value system that cannot govern
the actions of anyone else.
So, when I hear statements like,
"He used to do a lot of dirt in undergrad;
She cheated on him with his friend;
I heard you got around back in the day;
She used to drink more than most guys;
He was the laziest one of all," I shake my
head. I shake my head because I recognize
that each statement is made in the past
tense, which means the actions mentioned
were also performed in the past.
(I hope you see where this is going)
A wise woman stated "Those
who always remember and bring up how you
were in the past, never really wanted the
best for you". As you look to leave things
in the past and move forward, turning choices
into memories, make sure you allow others
to do the same.
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