Talking to Myself Again

If I waited to see you, I’d probably stumble over words and jumble phrases, give so many examples and analogies you’d feel like I’m taking you on an amazing race through mazes as if I’ve only grazed over a speech that someone else prepared, but…in fact I’ve stared…gazed upon these thoughts—my life in lines that you could finally follow to the point where I am today, which is that I’m missing you like crazy.

I dare not say that I know what you are thinking but a possibility that may be creeping--the question of why am I making such a simple statement an enormity of complexity.  If you haven’t, then that only makes one of us and I’ve grown accustomed, although we’ve been together, for the most part, for too many years only now for me to realize that we have been never been one.  Despite efforts that I, at the time, felt were sincere but with hindsight, I know that no one could make the decisions I’ve made, been the way I’ve behaved and still wanted to be taken seriously, but for me, right now as I pray you can hear me speak as you read, I want you to know that I’m missing you like crazy.

Maybe I’m old news or my ship has sailed, I may be the old thing that has passed away…but for some reason, you have been on my brain like that gray matter, you two could be one in the same—the thing that controls me, the one that drives me, finds me when I’m lost and guides me back to safety.  Yet, I know now that I cannot count on that light from your lighthouse, to lead me by illumination…and I know what you’re saying, yes, I know what you’re thinking, that it’s far too late because you’ve changed the station.  If that is the case, then I wish you all the positive thoughts the world can send your way, but I had to let you know, that I’m missing you like crazy.  

Premeditated

So, I decided to end it all and commit all of my resources into doing so. At first, I was a little apologetic but those emotions became less and less sincere as I recited my statement of why I chose this course of action. The bottom line, as I like to say, is that when I attempted to balance the equation of my life, there were inequalities that needed to be eliminated. There were also a few key variables that needed to be added in, controlled variables that factored into why I am not content with the current standings of my empire. When everything was properly entered into equation the only viable answer was this…

Therefore, I’m ending this pathetic attempt at living and I’m making the choice to do what’s necessary for me to have peace. I’m sure there will be those that say they miss me…I imagine a few may mean it. Some may plead the case that there is always another way; that ending a life is never the answer. Well, that may be the case for others but not I. I, stand firm in my decision to dissolve my association with everything I’ve grown to know and love, even those who have tried to stand by me, comfort me and support me.

Feeling like a burden, being a burden to others is not my idea of living, yet, that is what I’ve been doing for the past few years. I know some psychologist may try to psycho analyze this, pointing out all of the I’s, relating it to a selfish act brought on by some condition that no one can pronounce to properly categorize my mental state upon my exit. Well, I know this is selfish. Of course it is! I’m looking out for myself, my feelings, and my well-being. The way I’ve been living has been torturous…I turn away from mirrors because I don’t see any reflection I recognize. I am so disappointed that I allowed my happiness to get away, that I bent and twisted my perception of life into such an unreasonable sense of reality that I can no longer recognize myself.

So many others could do so much more being in my shoes…so I’m providing that opportunity now. I’m leaving a list of people I’ve been investigating over the last year that would benefit greatly from the things that I will no longer need or use. Please follow the directions specified on the DVD recording. There will be no evidence of my remains. By the time this letter has been read, all of my assets will be liquidated and any funds, properties or assets unspecified for disbursement will be with me.

Clearing his throat, the family attorney breaks the silence in the room. “As you can see, Mr. Orswell has taken care of all logistics in matters of his estate. It appears he has been planning this escape for quite some time. Are there any questions?”

There are looks of horror, disgust and sadness throughout the room. Tears, mumbles and expletives are released as the reality began to sink in. He was gone. And no one would ever know where or how he could have pulled this off without anyone knowing.

“Yes, I have a question,” laughed Mrs. Orswell. “How is it that a man who was declared medically incapable of motor skills able to do all of this?” “Practice,” his eldest son replied.

“Patience and practice. Wasn’t that his motto? Oh wait...that was yours too.  I guess you his best friend Phillip can stop sneaking around now.”

“Watch your tongue young man! How dare you accuse…”

“Save it mom,” Brad interrupted. “Just save it…”

Mr. Orswell watched closely via satellite to ensure the reading was successful. He smiled, then, boarded an unmarked plane, determined to live out the rest of his days in peace.

Not an Original Thought

Never liked the word never thought I've used it a few times, most days I set my gaze on endless possibilities. Probably not an original thought, but that action or reaction makes life represent my art.

Let's think about ever again, or maybe ever after, endings can be predictable to end these chapters; No excuse for losing joy, happiness is employed so if you lose it, don't confuse the opportunity for more; You are worth way more than what your mind can score or, what your eyes can believe, life's like a movie individually themed, gleamed with those flashing lights, dark nights bring brighter days, so the saying goes...
 
But who needs another clever cover, slogan, song lyric, big brother spreading easier said than done words that do little to herd sorrow, aching, stomach turning emotion? Who could live ten thousand forevers and never want to hear poor analogies for optimistic realities, never want to see silver linings of just right timing because watches have been broken, clocks have been stolen and never ever could anyone predict that in the midst of attempting to extend pick-me-ups, life continues on and...sucking it up sucks, so that's why I...

Never liked the word never though I've used it a few times, most days I set my gaze on endless possibilities. Probably not an original thought, but actions and reactions makes life represent my art.

Staring Apology

I stare too much at your curves when you're not looking
My timing is off but it doesn't seem like you've noticed
While enjoying your exit or welcoming your presence 
The glare on my glasses gives me a slight edge
Let me apologize for staring...

I fantasize about your thighs
Wrapping them or me up in them, waist or cheek
Slowly stripping down to almost nothing
Yet I'm thinking, "ain't that something..."
Let me apologize for staring...

Flirting or actually being nice to me
Makes my appetite grow for your fruit toppings
Not seeing too many obstacles or options
So my dreams stay alive as my eyes feed my imagination
Let me apologize for staring...

Give It Up to Favor

She said, “I thought you’d never change.”

I said, “You promised to stay the same. 

Guess promises of never shouldn’t ever happen again.”

She paused.  Looked up into my eyes like she’s searching,

The lurking observer working hard to see my purpose. 

I wonder if she could ever, see my true purpose,

of wanting to be good man, seems like I’m cursed. 

Now I’m looking at her eyes, thinking about how I served this,

relation of contemplation hating the love that made this,

love affair that’s ending before it’s really beginning. 

She asked, “What goes through your mind when your eyes change?”

I replied, “I’m realizing that with time, hearts change. 

But then again, with time, I guess that all things change,

for better or for worse is the perception we all gain.”

“I see you go deep within, I wouldn’t know where to begin. 

I’ll never figure you out.  Just thinking about it makes my head spin. 

You are who you are.  I am who I am.  I was hoping this would work

but it seems nothing remains perfect.”

I added, “nobody’s perfect, yet I feel you’re the one. 

Prayed to God every night that you’d be a mother to my sons. 

And ours daughters would grow up to be, just Like the queen I see,

I look at you in truth, my heart sees inside of you. 

But, if you can’t see me like you did before…I’ll just give it up favor,

guess love don’t live here anymore.  I’ll just give it up to favor…”

As the Door Closes

As the door closes, I stand motionless

Little hunch in my back because of what my shoulders are holding

Unknowingly shorter so I’m feeling like I’m upright

Reflections of my direction directed by mirrored interpretations by

My weapon of mass destruction, my mind is under construction

Reluctantly accompanying my heart to the next juncture

Moving passed the punctured holes of my past, the devastation

My reality crumbled as do all man-made creations.

As the door closes, I stand motionless

Little pressure in my chest because of what my lunges try to process

Progress without struggle is the life I see in others

If I’m wrong, that means their strong or smart enough to keep it under cover

Another close friend said it was written on my face

Suggested I stop pretending if I hope to mend this shattered glass in my space

My state of mind is mystery to me I can’t conceive

My reality are dreams, it seems, I’m not sure who I am or who I hope to be

Seeing all this destruction, my mind is under construction

Reluctantly accompanying my heart to the next juncture

Functioning off muscle memory, the harmony of symmetry’s innovation

My reality crumbled as all man-made creations.

As the door closes, I begin to float away

No pressure even though there’s gravel in my pathway

Feeling like the last days, needing to exhale

No hunger but the game I played left parts of me emaciated

Gravitating to something clutching what seems to be my will

When I hear that door close, Lord Knows, I’ll want to break it down

Sounds of inner voices reliving choices, courting me not to back down

Of course it’s all about the focus, relentless intent not to turn back now

This is just the beginning of building what He intended…I tell myself

This is just the beginning of what He truly intended, I remind myself.

A Simple Hello

“Hello?”

“Good evening.  We have Caller ID…why do you answer as if you don’t know who it is that’s calling or that you’re surprised to hear from me?”

“And how are you? Long day?”

“No, not really.  I’d appreciate if you’d answer my questions.  Answering a question with a question isn’t answering.”

“The pot calling the kettle black I see.”

“It shouldn’t be this difficult,” he sighs.  “It’s like pulling teeth.”

“I’m merely joking.  I can let you go if you need…” she offers.

“What I need is for you to answer the questions I asked,” he insists.

“And what questions would those be?” she asks.

“Never mind…I’m gonna go.”

“Alrighty.  I hope you feel better,” she sings.

As he hears her about to end the call, he yells, “YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE!  WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF SO-CALLED PLAYING AROUND WHEN NO ONE KNOWS YOU’RE NOT BEING SERIOUS BUT YOU?!”

“I don’t respond to people who yell at me,” she replies calmly.

“Of course you don’t.  You also don’t respond to me calmly asking you simple questions that could be easily answered.”

“Your questions are simple to you, not me.”

“To explain how you answer the phone when I call isn’t simple?”

“Not to me, that’s just how I answer the phone,” she attempts.

“It is not.  I’ve been around you long enough to know you’re surprised voice.  When I’m around you…you don’t answer the phone like that unless you’re not expecting the call but I can tell you I’m calling in five minutes and when I do, you’re surprised voice is on.  If you like answering like that, you could have saved us this extended conversation and said, ‘u know, I just do that for fun’ but no…you chose not to answer and now I’m hearing myself once again sounding like fool because I’m trying to get you to answer simple questions.  Why?  Because I want to know everything about you.  Picture that.  A man wanting to know everything about the woman he loves.”

“You’re so dramatic.  This has been blown out of proportion.  I don’t know why I answer the phone like that, I just do.  I feel like you just wanted to pick a fight with me and then you try to turn me into the bad guy when I didn’t comply.  I didn’t see the reason why you needed to know.  I apologize for not being able to read your mind.”

“Damn woman!  Can you be any more cold?”

“Yeah…that’s me.  The cold heartless bitch.”

“I’m not sure what’s going on with you.  Maybe I’m wrong for wanting to know.  I was curious.  I thought you’d tell me something cool that I’d enjoy learning but I see you’re just not into opening up when you don’t see the purpose.  What did I do to deserve such a brick wall?”

“You yell and curse and now you’re the victim?  Great.”

“I can’t do this…” he trails off.

“So you’re done?”

“For now…can’t keep punching a brick wall.  I don’t have enough spare knuckles for that.”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Albert.”

“At the moment, Shelly, I don’t know either.  I’ll talk to you later.”

Lost in Text-lation, Part I

Her:  Hi

Him:  iH

Her:  Why does that make me smile?

Him:  Because that’s my job

Her:  Really

Him:  Unless you wanna reassign me

Her:  There you go

Him:  Only when you invite me

Her:  #Game this early in the morning?

Him:  #Honesty all day ;-) So, what’s on the agenda today

Her:  Work. Might meet Christine for dinner.  She’s in town.

Him:  And then what?

Her:  Then, I’m gone text some mo’ lol

Him:  Get you every time lol

Her:  And you?

Him:  Gonna dream about you as usual

Her:  There you go again

Him:  Confession: Today, I wanted to wake up in your arms. I dream of afternoon napping, awakening to your fresh scents and your joker smile…Gets me everytime…

Her:  Don’t do this…and am I supposed to still be impressed at your ability to compare me to your favorite comic book villain? Because it’s not working

Him:  Do what?  You have a big smile like the Joker, everyone knows it.  And yes, Joker is my favorite.  He is the exact opposite of my favorite hero, Batman.  They have a harmonious relationship in which they need each other.  They make each other better...

Her:  You and your way with words..."Just being honest" huh?  Better late than never

Him:  I’m not that guy…that was years ago.  Your shoes are dirty too but I don’t point that out do I?

Her:  You can if you like

Him:  That’s not what I’m saying…we should meet up

Her:  I gotta get ready for work…

Him:  Don’t shut me out

Him:  Really?

Her:  I can’t…

Him:  …

Him:  Have a good day…be safe…

Her:  Thx, U 2

Is It Right?

Before you leave, is it right to always say goodbye,
wishing for good tidings for the future that you are inviting, 
you're so excited, thinking about the life you led,
and the I've that's ahead, though the path is dark,
you hope desire gives a spark,
you've prayed everyday and awaited a response,
a Good Word,
a Bad Feeling,
anything to let you know that on the right road or did you choose to go left,
given all to your dreams until there's not much left,
your health starts to suffer,
then your prayers stop buffering the reality, the fallacies,
misconceptions misinterpretations of the signs, 
you've done so much compromising you left yourself behind.

Is it right to say goodbye when you leave,
those many hearts spilling tears on your left sleeve,
hoping their love and affection, might change your direction,
since you're following your heart,
they begin to feel that connection is slowly breaking apart,
slowly hardening the hearts, that you've earned the respect of,
because you were the best dove,
bringing peace and happiness to everyone you touched,
yet the dream that you need is going to put you out of touch.

Is it right to say goodbye, when you feel you need to leave,
you'd like to think you would be back
but pursuing dreams often means that once you get to where
you're going things aren't always what they seem,
then what do you do with shattered dreams,
do you return back to the scene, where you were once King or Queen, 
will loyal subjects now turn mean, will you become the Court Jester,
fool & failure becomes the themes of a once bright & confident,
visionary proponent,
the one who lead by dreams turned to nightmares hear the screams asking...

Is it right to say goodbye before you leave?
Is any door truly closed if you believe?
So is it right to say goodbye before you leave?

Finding Him Within

I was looking for answers to questions unknown, shown the path through lonely places, faces and spaces in time where the familiar approached, asking, "Remember me?" Then, I admited, while looking in the mirror, "I'm not sure I do." I was answering questions with knowledge unknown, created a path through familiar places, dates and states in time where the familiar approached, asking, "Remember me?" Then, hesitantly, while looking in the mirror, I replied, "Hmmm, you look familiar." I was asking questions for answers unknown, walking the path through similar yet unknown places, debating and relating the times where the familiar approached, asking, "Remember me?" Then, relieved, I confessed, while looking in the mirror,"Yes, I do!"

Devilish Dances

Late nights, early mornings welcomed afternoons, soon as I get off or soon as you get there, we make sure the neighbors know that we love here; We live near, paying rent separately, two secure places to practice how to make families, Just look into our eyes no secrets, no lies, maybe a whole lotta lust but its only between us; No fussing just that loving, the type that wear out groins, yearning for the chance to do devilish dances, romance is the reality that I reside in, just took a second to pen how real she makes me feel...

Late nights, early mornings welcomed afternoons, soon as I get off she's ready to put me back on, so long, yes, so long, I ain't living I am so gone, I'm flying through this life to the beat of her drum; then the alarm sounds, pounding with the blood pressures, pressing putting persistence to the test; Now she's seeing me stressing, stretching out but unable to grab her, her willingness to be held, to be lead, so instead, she said, she had about enough of the variety, incited me to rioting within my mind and spirit, lost souls could feel the sentiment of a harmony in intimate worlds crashing down; No more circular circus motions placing back further than where I started, yearning for the chance to do devilish dances, romance is the nightmare that I reside in, just took a second to pen how real she makes me feel...

Late nights, early mornings welcomed afternoons, soon as I get off, she's ready to put me back on, so long I've been without that dream, seems ironic that the iconic entity that had once captivated me had designed a plan for me, a plan for we, when she was eating her cake and ice cream, I'd scream thinking about her lip licking, hip switching, legs twitching from the kissing, caresses, stretches, presses from another, figured I'd just move through time, the healer of these hard times, stimulator of these melancholy, dreary spirited sappy lines but when you yearn for the chance to do devilish dances, romance becomes the reality that I reside in, this merry-go-round of familiar sounds, like caterpillars rounding the stem or limb they choose to recognize, the time to change in such a strange way, never being the same, never moving the same way, yet the journey of the worthy is far perfect, wonder one day if she'll feel it was all worth it, wonder one day will I feel she deserved it, just took a second a pen how real she makes me feel...how real decisions feel when you come full circle and have to begin...again...

How do You Know

How do you know which way is up
when you've been flipped
Upside down, intertwined and
knotted until you popped then
You stop because you realize
you're dislodged so the mere
Shock pulls you back together,
and since it wasn't by the hands
Of the creator you know it's only
temporary before you fall apart,
Again...

How do you know which way is up
when you've been flipped
Upside down, intertwined and
knotted until you popped then
You stop because you're the top
Story on the breaking news Broken limbs,
broken wings, the analogy everything wrong with
The world when the former &
the Latter couldn't take you any higher
Because you fall would break you apart ,
Again...

How do you know which way is up
When you've flipped Upside down,
intertwined and Knotted until you popped?

Mush in My Heart

This was written for an open mic performance.  

Soul-Mate…

Seems like another overused term like, “I love you” or “I miss you” or “You’re great” wait…

I suppose that may sound a little bitter, whittling away to keep warm from the winter cold, those shoulders weren’t very broad but that young lady truly had my heart and soul…

I was devoted…would stand in lines, twice eternity’s time for a sip of her fine; travel through battles in unknown lands, planned to stand yet the Mush in My Heart made me meek; sort of like when she’d speak to me and call me that name that made me change direction…even my inflection projected my willingness to display the effort I attempted to model, yet I was the one who followed…willingly…honestly, I’m not pondering on whether or not my decisions were wrong, I’m too busy trying to learn this song of longing because my mate made me…want to give my soul to hers, the words were being practice but were never perfected and I doubt that anytime soon they will be heard…

Soul-Mate…

Seems like another overused term like, “boo” or “babe” or “honey” wait…

I suppose that may sound a little bitter, whittling away to keep warm from the winter cold, those shoulders weren’t very broad but that young lady truly had my heart and soul…

I was devoted…tried to move forward though my past dragged skeletons, telling them “keep quiet” yet soul mates know everything right?  They accept everything, make you feel you can do anything; travel through battles in unknown lands, soul mates plan to stand yet the Mush in My Heart made it hard to speak; like when I felt I was no longer seen, my pain, my love, my inner being caught in the scoop of a red dot beam SCREAMS didn’t seem to matter…though shattered glass may be interpreted as irrational actions; actors play roles, auditioned or chosen and those are the ones we love…yet the ones who give their heart and soul are told, “it’s just not believable,” a statement inconceivable coming from the one, who held my soul…sometimes I wonder when I lost control…

Soul-Mate…

Seems like another overused term…I stand here guilty of the phrase, “You live and you learn.” 

Was I devoted?  Not sure the lessons or standards I needed to master…wanted to travel through battles in unknown lands and stand together yet my soul mate created this Mush in My Heart that made me want to sing, think of things I could do just so she could hold tight to my wing, things don’t always work out as we plan but damn…I was her NUMBER ONE FAN, she knew me when I didn’t know myself, nonverbal conversations, jokes, a real connection may have all been in my head instead of the reality that she may have been gone before I ever arrived…my soul mate seemed to drift away in the dark; my soul mate may hate that we even had a start; my soul mate may not be mine…and I’m not sure if I can get back what I gave away…

Soul mate…

Seems like another overused term…yet this Mush in My Heart is attached to a Soul-Mate’s burn.

I Cried Myself Awake

I cried myself awake today

No tissue; just a fleece blanket and music

The volume provided the background

To sobs, praise and pleading to take it all away

There was no rhythm, no harmony

Only the sounds of aching and relief

I cried myself awake today

No audience; just my knees on the floor and hair in my face

Uncontrollable emotion searched my body for escape

Even raised me hands begging to take it all away

There was no answer, yet I began to feel thankful

Soon I began to hear lyrics, which calmed my spirit

I cried myself awake today

No hate; just hurt from the pressures of life’s assessments

Thankful that I’m still here, although I wanted to leave

But running only prolongs the inevitable

Longing for that Faithful steer

Opened my eyes, wiped away the tears

Began feeling relief, it was being taken away

Moving forward from the fight within

Remembering: Greatness Begins with an End.

Transit Dreams

Sleepy head slept towards another adventure,

Summer’s on the way dreaming of what to get into;

Smiling at the sun shining bright on the beach,

Road trips and new tricks to explore so you seek,

Cool ideas, fun ideas;

This will be a summer to remember,

Sweet dreams My Dear.

Retreat

I greet faces, familiar or estranged

with smiles that have been the same since

Before I was born, because it's not mine alone

My mom gave me what she had

My dad's influence overwhelms most

So when I shake your hand

I'm eyeing your throat just in case

I every need to take you out

As quick as possible, by any means

Is what he reminds me

My mind then ventures into more

Memories & promises, the ones

You make but one day you can't ignore

That your word has bound you

By constricting restraints

So I retreat in my mind, I contemplate.

I greet faces, familiar or estranged

with smiles that have been the same since

Before I was ever introduced to broken hearts

Broken spirits hurt worse, your world falls apart

It's more than heartache yet that feeds the fire

The longing for answers while too proud to inquire

Devoured by emotions the disappointment of self

The relentless thoughts of how things end

It's torturous because it only uncovers unrest

Sleepless nights produce pressure & stress

Simple tasks become impossible like

Dressing for the weather

So as I stand in the rain

And notice the small puddle become great

I retreat in my mind, I contemplate.

I greet faces, familiar or estranged

with smiles that have been the same since

Before I lost myself, between where I was

And where I am today, not remembering when

Tomorrow became yesterday

The sounds of play brings anxiety

Not sure what it means

My world's upside down, I'm watching chaotic scenes

I'm feeling my reality unravel at the seams

So this smile is not my smile

It's really a smoke screen

Through the fog with high beams

I wonder if anyone even knows or cares

Why I'm building these castle walls?

It's so when I retreat, no one can see me fall…

Then I can retreat in my mind and contemplate it all.

It Probably Doesn't Matter

I want answers to questions That may never be asked Disappointed at promises broken Or never came to pass Because I passed on patience, Passed on relating Facts are now fiction Driven by a yearning A desire for a home A dream I had as a child And now that I'm as old as I am, I felt my dreams Would come true, so I gave And I let go of all I knew I surrendered...not without struggle And not without concern But that yearning burned and The thought of being so close To my elusive dream seemed Like the right time to show I cared Enough to go to the ends of The earth but of course...now... I feel...I don't know... Its not really remorse Not any real regret because I chose, I chose, I chose the course But with all these eyes I wasn't seen as a sport Even though I was handed defeat I chose to retreat First in my mind, then my body... Or was it the other way around? It probably doesn't matter... It probably doesn't matter... If I said this today The response might just be That there's nothing to discuss Because there's nothing left Things didn't go right So there's nothing left to say I guess I don't understand I can't comprehend How a potential so great Crashes to an end One thing's for sure Something better has to begin That's what I tell myself anyway...

Relapse, Take 2

As the doorbell vibrates throughout the apartment, I dim the lights and close the door to the restroom. I press play on the ipod dock as I glide past the last two candles. Her radiance is overwhelming, as I invite her in--black heels, black jeans and a black tank top with only one strap and glittering shapes that reflected the candlelight perfectly. Admiring her body makes it hard to close; she notices...and smiles.

"Seems like you're ready," she whispers, as she surveys the room. "What's the special occassion?"

"You," I admit, trying to control myself. She laughs softly, then I continue, "this isn't too much for you is it?"

"I'll let you know. You're doing well so far," she admits.

I offer her a seat and drink and she refuses. Still standing, she makes her way to the couch, turns to me and confesses, "I didn't come over to watch television did I?"

"I figured we'd watch a little later if we tire of the music," I suggest, moving towards her. She's noticeably taller than I am, because of the heels. I lean towards her, grab her arm and pull her gently towards me. She leans down, moving in for a kiss and I whisper, "Stop me now or risk not stopping me at all."

The smile on her face disappears. Taking two steps back from me, she motions to the bedroom and proceeds to walk in. I follow closely for a second. This is very familiar. Then, without thinking I grab her, spin her .body towards mine.

I open the bedroom door and part my lips to speak. Her index finger on her left hand immediately forms a bridge between my two lips. She leans in close to me and whispers, "Stop me now or risk not stopping me at all."

Garage Talk

"Welcome home Son," his dad laughed as he offered no help with his son's bags. "You are only here for the weekend right?"

"And I thought I cut down on what I wanted to bring," Brian chuckled, pointing down at his large suitcase. "It's laundry week so I figured I could do it here tonight."

"I see that. I was wondering how long it would take before you started this. Hurry up and put it in your room before Jenny sees how much you have."

"Yeah we know how your wife can be," Brian joked.

"Ha Ha. Very funny. One day you might have one too so be mindful. Well, I'm going down to the shop so when you get settled, come on down. You may wanna change your shoes though."

"Alright, lemme call Anna. She wanted me to let her know when I got here."

My old room...hasn't changed one bit. Guess it's only been...hmmm...two months...didn't expect to see cob webs though. As he changed his clothes and he decided to clean off the cob webs from the around his dresser. Forgetting to call his girlfriend of two month, Anna, he headed down to the shop to meet his dad.

"I had cob webs in the room, Dad," he casually mentioned while looking at an oil can.

"We had to give you something to do when you came home," his dad laughed. "Look over there on the second shelf next to the transmission fluid and bring me that tool box."

"Is it heavy?"

"You might want to use two hands," his dad suggested. "So, what is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You come home on a Friday afternoon, now it's Friday night and you're still here...what is it?"

"I think I'm going to ask her."

"Oh yeah?" his dad asked. "Pass me the extension and the 9/16."

"Here you go."

"Are you sure that's what you want to do? Once you do, you can't go back. That's the mentality you need to have. It's easier and cheaper to walk away now."

"Yeah, I know," he laughed. "I've been thinking about this for couple of weeks now. She's been great these past few months. I believe I'm ready."

"Aye, get down here and see if you can take this bolt off."

"I don't know...I mean if you can't," Brian hesitated. "I'm not sure I'll be able to. But I'll give it a try." As Brian began to loosen the bolt on the oil pan, his dad began talking about a motorcycle he saw for sale. Then, as soon as Brian was about to ask him how much the motorcycle was, his dad changed the conversation back to Brian and his girlfriend.

"Well son, if you think you're ready...just be sure she is too. That's a big step. There aren't too many more after that."

"I know...I'm shocked that I've gotten to this point so quickly. But, I really like her."

"Well, Son, not every road you travel has bumps in it."

"Argh!"

"What'd ya get?"

"My knuckles," his son sighed.

"All of them? You bleeding?"

"Yeah," he exhaled as he analyzed the wound. "It got me pretty good."

"Guess that means it's time to quit," his father laughed.

"It usually happens like that doesn't it," his son laughed and winced.

"Well, this is a life lesson for ya. If you don't know when to quit, God will stop you one way or another. That's what happens when you try to do too much. Same thing happened to me when I was working on the riding lawnmower. I ended up pushing the rest of the yard that day."

As he washed off his wound, Brian replied, "You've given me something to think about...but I think I'm still going through with it."

Just then, his phone rang. His father could hear the voice from the receiver exclaiming, "Hi Brian! Is everything okay?"

"Hey, what's going on Anna?"

"Tell her she was on your mind so much you hurt your hand. Now we have to stop working," his dad offered jokingly.

"What happened Brian? Are you okay?" the voice on the phone asked.

"Yeah, well I was helping my dad in the garage. Listen, don't worry about that. I was wondering what you were doing on Sunday."

"Well, probably just church and maybe an early lunch. My dad says he'll have to take me back to school earlier than expected."

"Oh okay, well if you can, I'd like to invite you to church with my family and me. I could take you back to school and save your dad the trip or just take you back home on my way to see my mom since she stays near you. I'm having lunch with her Sunday afternoon."

Brian's dad pointed towards the garage door to indicate he was walking back to the house. Brain walked a little behind his dad, as he continued his conversation with Anna. When the conversation was over, Brian's dad smiled and asked if he wanted to watch the game after dinner and suggested that tomorrow they catch a matinee after stopping by the hardware store.

Brian smiled and replied, "That sounds like a plan. Looks like this will be an eventful weekend!"

Somewhere Close

Feeling You,

As if You were close

And I fear You're nowhere near

How I wish to be somewhere close;

I'm healing through memories

So many situations derived

From shots no one could call

Disbelief becomes a punishment

Consequences served on the table

Maybe or maybe not

Lessons are learned from these fables

No more tangents I'm focused on You

Not letting this feeling end

And the only way to ensure

Is for You and I to begin

Again...

I'm not letting this feeling end

Watched too many sunsets

Turn into sunrises

I need peace and rest

That comes from You right beside me

Remembering your words

Because I've never felt Your touch

I don't know what I would do if You did

I hope I'm strong enough to enjoy it

Forward movement made a stop

Well,

It slowed down,

So I got on

Opportunity was unfamiliar

Yet I recognized it all the while

Heading to a familiar place I've never been

With one thought in mind

That Our love is reciprocal

Pauses or intervals

Are now more than I can take

I'd much rather be somewhere close

Than to remain like this

I'd much rather be somewhere close

Where I can hear You whisper my name.

Lonely Places

Stay away from lonely places,

Some spaces deep in your mind;

Skeletal closets are locked for a reason,

So take shelter elsewhere,

In the midst of stormy seasons;

From the lonely places--

The "owe me" spaces,

That make you pay with higher interest because

The longer you stay,

The more your vision gets hazy;

Times where you know you're more worthy

Than the decisions you've made,

And the foolish pride you've displayed

Can't save your ego this time,

Because the last time,

Should have been the only

Lonely place you visited,

Living in confusion,

Equating weakness with being homesick;

They see this, you feel it,

Conceal it? Not really;

No action can deceive;

Believe it or not,

Hearts that stop still bleed.

If I were speaking instead of you reading,

My face would illuminate,

Creating a shadow from the mic and cord,

Reporting to the world,

That y poor scores of life's tests

Conclude without any assuming,

That lonely places are the spaces,

Where the brightest light is consumed;

Experience posts office hours,

You can visit late at night,

Sessions give sight to the blind such as:

Have Faith, Look Forward;

Live, Love, Laugh harder--

Smarter work moves you further;

Respect others as yourself;

Wealth comes by seeking happiness within yourself.

Here are three jewels,

With time more will come:

If you don't like the beat of the drummer,

Learn to play your own;

If you can't get sing the melody,

Feel free to hum;

Follow your dreams,

Venture into outer spaces;

There's nothing to be won,

Within Lonely Places.

Spoken Word 321

Sometimes I wanna get away

At times I wanna scream

Some say this is the plight of man

No way things can stay the same

Just heard a kid's song of life pacing

Fast versus slow, slow usually wins races

Let's just face it

We're living in a world of change

But when there's too much at one time

Minds easily go insane

No plausible explanations

Or logically deduced conclusions

Of why you'd continue putting on pads

After being diagnosed with multiple concussions

It's not up for discussion

No need for debates

This is passion over everything

Don't believe me? Sit and wait

It's not up for discussion

No need for debates

This is passion over everything...

Check the Hours

This poem describes a point in time when

reality meets passion, and the disorientation

that comes with it. The speaker already

entered a crossroad; which spawns a clash

between thought and feelings...

Months seem to flash by

Mirrors that I pass

So many funny faces

Check the hour glass;

This can't be me,

Check the hour glass;

This can't be me,

Check the hours.

Summer cookouts traded for train ride snacks

Pier gazes morphed into sky scraper heights

Daydreams framed in an outline of clouds

Birds of different feathers chirping on the balcony

An empty feeling begins to fill soft places

The alchemy of life, opposed to stagnation.

Months seem to flash by

Mirrors that I pass

So many funny faces

Check the hour glass;

This can't be me,

Check the hour glass;

This can't be me,

Check the hours.

I'm on a mountain trail

Searching for a stream

Not thinking of a swim or bath

Just in need of a drink

I know I'm close to something

Just don't know what it is

Or how long it will take to obtain

This elusive dream.

Months seem to flash by

Mirrors that I pass

So many funny faces

Check the hour glass;

This can't be me,

Check the hour glass;

This can't be me,

Check the hours.

Some Spoken Word #27

Gray skies on the horizon,

Disguises lost in the haze,

Days come and go like circus acts,

Tracks left on the pavement;

Cavemen stumbled upon fire,

Desires to live, mind over matter

Scattered thoughts distort reality;

Really bees aren't protective of honey,

Funny, it's more protecting home;

Comb through natural disasters,

Faster--when you responsible,

Impossible to predict the harm,

Carnage leaves leftovers--collateral;

Laterally I speak,

Seeking synonyms for specific context;

I'm set on making a future

Sutures couldn't link together,

Whether right or wrong,

Songs of passionate acts will be sung;

Songs of passionate acts will be sung.

Gray skies on the horizon,

Disguises lost in the haze,

Days come and go like circus acts,

Tracks left on the pavement;

Say, "when," if you've had enough--

Scuffed shoes, stubbed toes,

Bold enough to raise your voice;

Choices questioned,

Directions unconfirmed with low gas;

Jazz can be an acquired taste,

Dates are improved by the invested,

Ingested the idea of potential;

Influential is the pack leader's growl--

Scowl, modeling behaviors,

Endangered are the days of instruction;

Production suffers in this lack of vision,

Intuition is a lost ability, lost will;

Filling nothing while feeling your way through

Clues, are now replaced by navigation,

Aviation used to be an artistic expression;

Weapons are intellectual first--then mechanical,

Flammable is the mission we take together,

Whether right or wrong,

Songs of passionate acts will be sung;

Songs of passionate acts will be sung.

Poised Ballerina

Searching for answers to questions

previously posed,

poised ballerina,

exposing her nose;

toes twisting as she's gracefully

spinning out of control;

dramatic irony,

the whole world knows.

Treading murky waters with no

clear sense of direction,

no G.P.S. triangulation

to determine current positions,

only your third-eye straining

with near-sided vision,

relying on talent,

a little practice and intuition;

as you dance in a trance,

your lack of confidence is apparent,

sure, it's not your fault,

as if you're lying to your parents;

but it's just a way of being,

seeking what you believe in,

an elusive truth disguised in a lie

so what are really believing,

an elusive truth disguised in a lie,

so what are you believing?

Searching for answers to questions

previously posed,

poised ballerina,

exposing her nose;

toes twisting as she's gracefully

spinning out of control;

dramatic irony,

the whole world knows.

Turn Back or Keep Going

The moment you know change is needed, is the moment you begin to change. Whether you know it or not, your mind and heart begin working together to figure out how to get you from where you are, to where you need to be. One of the hardest things to do, if you’ve never done it before is to trust your heart to lead and your inner wisdom to guide.

If you have never stepped out on Faith, the first step is very challenging. What you may not know is that there is another step that is even more difficult. This step comes when you are presented with an opportunity to turn back or to keep going. Usually this happens after you have moved significantly forward. A situation arises that will cause you to question whether or not you have made the right decision; whether or not it would’ve been easier to stay where you were; whether or not you should stop and go back. The challenge then is to determine whether or not to continue with this course of action; but one thing should remain clear. Going back to the way things were contradicts your need for change.

So look for ways to continue to move forward, even if you choose to return to similar surroundings. As the late Frederick Douglas stated, “Without struggle, there is no progress.”

No Resolutions for Me This Year

I've heard a few people say,
"Wisdom comes with years,"
But what happens in the meantime,
Am I expected to willingly
Shed tears? Am I supposed to fail?
"Yes, experience is the best teacher."
But when I assess learning, the
Consequences of my classroom
Won't make any student think of
Consulting with the reaper...Grimm
As it sounds, I've seen when Life
Body slams you, off the top ropes
Hopes and Dreams crumble all
Around you.

Sure, the obvious is
True, "it could be worse," but her
"Right Now", has her eyeing your purse.
His "Right Now, don't have time
for just words." All these cliches and
Positivity has yet to get him off the curb.

So although my talents my be
Found in connotation, I'm not foolish
Enough to believe that only words
Build nations. So as this New Year
Begins, so will more opportunities
For action. No resolutions for me,
Its just time to make it happen.

A Poetic Life

The pursuit of happiness is
a pursuit of change;
Accepting responsibility
and not placing blame,
Processing experiences
as information
To ignite your transformation;
This is Growth. This is Life.

The pursuit of happiness is
a pursuit of change;
Accepting Faith's guidance
and not placing blame,
Processing Fear as immature emotions
To fuel Courage's promotion;
This is Growth. This is Life.

The pursuit of happiness is
a pursuit of change;
Accepting Love
and not placing blame,
Processing relationships as gifts
To create lessons,
making Destiny shifts;
This is Growth. This is Life.