Mush in My Heart

This was written for an open mic performance.  

Soul-Mate…

Seems like another overused term like, “I love you” or “I miss you” or “You’re great” wait…

I suppose that may sound a little bitter, whittling away to keep warm from the winter cold, those shoulders weren’t very broad but that young lady truly had my heart and soul…

I was devoted…would stand in lines, twice eternity’s time for a sip of her fine; travel through battles in unknown lands, planned to stand yet the Mush in My Heart made me meek; sort of like when she’d speak to me and call me that name that made me change direction…even my inflection projected my willingness to display the effort I attempted to model, yet I was the one who followed…willingly…honestly, I’m not pondering on whether or not my decisions were wrong, I’m too busy trying to learn this song of longing because my mate made me…want to give my soul to hers, the words were being practice but were never perfected and I doubt that anytime soon they will be heard…

Soul-Mate…

Seems like another overused term like, “boo” or “babe” or “honey” wait…

I suppose that may sound a little bitter, whittling away to keep warm from the winter cold, those shoulders weren’t very broad but that young lady truly had my heart and soul…

I was devoted…tried to move forward though my past dragged skeletons, telling them “keep quiet” yet soul mates know everything right?  They accept everything, make you feel you can do anything; travel through battles in unknown lands, soul mates plan to stand yet the Mush in My Heart made it hard to speak; like when I felt I was no longer seen, my pain, my love, my inner being caught in the scoop of a red dot beam SCREAMS didn’t seem to matter…though shattered glass may be interpreted as irrational actions; actors play roles, auditioned or chosen and those are the ones we love…yet the ones who give their heart and soul are told, “it’s just not believable,” a statement inconceivable coming from the one, who held my soul…sometimes I wonder when I lost control…

Soul-Mate…

Seems like another overused term…I stand here guilty of the phrase, “You live and you learn.” 

Was I devoted?  Not sure the lessons or standards I needed to master…wanted to travel through battles in unknown lands and stand together yet my soul mate created this Mush in My Heart that made me want to sing, think of things I could do just so she could hold tight to my wing, things don’t always work out as we plan but damn…I was her NUMBER ONE FAN, she knew me when I didn’t know myself, nonverbal conversations, jokes, a real connection may have all been in my head instead of the reality that she may have been gone before I ever arrived…my soul mate seemed to drift away in the dark; my soul mate may hate that we even had a start; my soul mate may not be mine…and I’m not sure if I can get back what I gave away…

Soul mate…

Seems like another overused term…yet this Mush in My Heart is attached to a Soul-Mate’s burn.

I Cried Myself Awake

I cried myself awake today

No tissue; just a fleece blanket and music

The volume provided the background

To sobs, praise and pleading to take it all away

There was no rhythm, no harmony

Only the sounds of aching and relief

I cried myself awake today

No audience; just my knees on the floor and hair in my face

Uncontrollable emotion searched my body for escape

Even raised me hands begging to take it all away

There was no answer, yet I began to feel thankful

Soon I began to hear lyrics, which calmed my spirit

I cried myself awake today

No hate; just hurt from the pressures of life’s assessments

Thankful that I’m still here, although I wanted to leave

But running only prolongs the inevitable

Longing for that Faithful steer

Opened my eyes, wiped away the tears

Began feeling relief, it was being taken away

Moving forward from the fight within

Remembering: Greatness Begins with an End.

Transit Dreams

Sleepy head slept towards another adventure,

Summer’s on the way dreaming of what to get into;

Smiling at the sun shining bright on the beach,

Road trips and new tricks to explore so you seek,

Cool ideas, fun ideas;

This will be a summer to remember,

Sweet dreams My Dear.

Retreat

I greet faces, familiar or estranged

with smiles that have been the same since

Before I was born, because it's not mine alone

My mom gave me what she had

My dad's influence overwhelms most

So when I shake your hand

I'm eyeing your throat just in case

I every need to take you out

As quick as possible, by any means

Is what he reminds me

My mind then ventures into more

Memories & promises, the ones

You make but one day you can't ignore

That your word has bound you

By constricting restraints

So I retreat in my mind, I contemplate.

I greet faces, familiar or estranged

with smiles that have been the same since

Before I was ever introduced to broken hearts

Broken spirits hurt worse, your world falls apart

It's more than heartache yet that feeds the fire

The longing for answers while too proud to inquire

Devoured by emotions the disappointment of self

The relentless thoughts of how things end

It's torturous because it only uncovers unrest

Sleepless nights produce pressure & stress

Simple tasks become impossible like

Dressing for the weather

So as I stand in the rain

And notice the small puddle become great

I retreat in my mind, I contemplate.

I greet faces, familiar or estranged

with smiles that have been the same since

Before I lost myself, between where I was

And where I am today, not remembering when

Tomorrow became yesterday

The sounds of play brings anxiety

Not sure what it means

My world's upside down, I'm watching chaotic scenes

I'm feeling my reality unravel at the seams

So this smile is not my smile

It's really a smoke screen

Through the fog with high beams

I wonder if anyone even knows or cares

Why I'm building these castle walls?

It's so when I retreat, no one can see me fall…

Then I can retreat in my mind and contemplate it all.

It Probably Doesn't Matter

I want answers to questions That may never be asked Disappointed at promises broken Or never came to pass Because I passed on patience, Passed on relating Facts are now fiction Driven by a yearning A desire for a home A dream I had as a child And now that I'm as old as I am, I felt my dreams Would come true, so I gave And I let go of all I knew I surrendered...not without struggle And not without concern But that yearning burned and The thought of being so close To my elusive dream seemed Like the right time to show I cared Enough to go to the ends of The earth but of course...now... I feel...I don't know... Its not really remorse Not any real regret because I chose, I chose, I chose the course But with all these eyes I wasn't seen as a sport Even though I was handed defeat I chose to retreat First in my mind, then my body... Or was it the other way around? It probably doesn't matter... It probably doesn't matter... If I said this today The response might just be That there's nothing to discuss Because there's nothing left Things didn't go right So there's nothing left to say I guess I don't understand I can't comprehend How a potential so great Crashes to an end One thing's for sure Something better has to begin That's what I tell myself anyway...