2010 Reflection

2010 was a roller coaster ride of emotions for me;
lots of tests that challenged my Faith & Patience!
I'm glad I'm chose to endure and not give up. Bold are
reoccurring ideas I have encountered, whether
through others sharing or observations. Italicized
words are reoccurring thoughts I had this past year.

2 Timothy 4:7 says, "I have fought the good fight, I have
finished the race, I have kept the Faith." Now, the thing
I have focused on in my reflections of this past year is the
keeping Faith part. This year has been a constant transition,
for me and those close to me. Sure there have been times
that we have seemingly lacked Faith or given up Hope but,
for some reason we continued to move forward. And
because we did, we now find ourselves at the end of
a year of unexpected and remarkable highs and lows.

It doesn't matter that, at times, it seemed our lows outweighed
our highs. It doesn't matter that it seemed we questioned
things and didn't know if we believed anything positive could
come from a certain situation. It doesn't matter that we feel
we didn't achieve what we wanted to achieve, that we may
have failed at something--possibly a relationship, or that
we're not in the position we wanted to be in. What matters
is that we made it to this day. We made it to the end of
another year.

Everyone has the opportunity to reflect on what has happened
and then, determine how to proceed in the new year. If you're
like me, a lot of things were confirmed or brought to light this
past year. And because of this, there is clarity is certain things
so those paths are clear.

This was also a year of unexpected news and confusion
of the heart, being torn between what I thought was right,
what I felt was right and what I wanted to do. At times,
I had to sit still, and allow time to pass because I didn't have
any clear ideas on how to proceed. As frustrating as those times
were, I can see a lesson I was reluctant to learn and accept.
The one thing I will most certainly take into the new year is that
I am still growing as a man. By accepting this, I accept that
even though mistakes are more costly as I get older,
I may still make them, and I need to be okay with that.
Its okay because I believe I'm fighting a good fight,
and that I'm running a good race...at my own pace.

I hope my readers can say the same, if not now,
then hopefully some day soon. Let's seek out our goals
and go after our dreams, for
"a dream deferred is like a broken-winged bird." - Langston Hughes

In 2011, Be Strong, Be Safe, Be You!

I Don't Know Why

This is a poem written after seeing
an awkward hug between father and son.
I attempted to create a voice of the son who
immediately walks away, trying to rationalize
what just happened...

Seeing hands raises for consequences
morphed my motion sensors overtime;
then one day I cringed when my True
Love pounced towards me in glee...I'm not
super sensitive but that was her reason
for leaving...I don't know why, but
I blamed myself for that.

Reaching out with my heart, I released
the words "I Love You," only to receive a
retreating quick mumble of "I love you too."
I would stare for a bit...wondering was it not
okay to say these words...I'm not super sensitive
but that was the reason I gave myself for
retreating internally...I don't know why, but
I blamed myself for that.

Getting a much needed hug was bittersweet,
for I fought to extend the embrace for a larger
exhale; so many emotions filled me,
I thought I would finally explode with a verbal
expression of how my life was made so much
better from this gesture...but I fought in vain,
for the hug only lasted about the length of a
handshake...He pulled away...from me, it seems--
I'm not super sensitive but that
had to be the reason I set myself up for this
disappointment...I don't know why, but
I blamed myself for that.

As It Arrives

Painting pictures of the obvious in a
not-so-obvious way is sometimes more
challenging than creating an original piece
of art. This is my attempt at doing just that.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon skin that lacks moisture,
Revealing traces of joints, evidence of use,
Lips begin to crack, split and scream in silence.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon hips, knees, shoulders...
Revealing traces of sacrifice, deliberate for love;
Eyes begin to run, squint and focus in the present.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon trees that lack the sun's passion,
Revealing traces of experience, the cycle of life;
Leaves begin to brown, bend and retreat in soil.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon water ways, some small and still,
Revealing traces of survival, adaption or migration;
Nature begins to sleep, as it arrives.

Something's Wrong

Communication is key to any relationship's growth.
If you're paying attention, you will know when
something is wrong even if you don't know how to
fix it...

*sigh* She's upset again...

This time I don't have to guess, the catalyst

was my attempted mind-reading, assuming,

yet confusing her venting and non-responses

to my opinions, suggestions, and feelings as

"something's wrong"...



"Something's...missing...and I don't know what it

is...no I...don't know what it is..." ironically fills

the air--my appropriate Ipod Shuffle doing its

art imitating life thing again. "Pfft" is her way

of showing the recognition of the big bright

yellow and orange elephant in the room. So, why

wouldn't I conclude that "something's wrong" when

clearly all signs point to the corner of "Uh Oh".

"There's nothing wrong. I can't talk to you. I just

wanted to vent. I don't need you trying to fix my

problems or fix me. I'm not broken!"

It felt like I had just stepped off of a merry-go-round

and tried to run a few miles on a treadmill...I could

feel the world spinning beneath my feet yet I knew I

was standing still, motionless...confused...angry...

"I don't try to do anything but show you I care. Why would

you stop venting? Because I share a concern, proving I

was paying attention and feel a certain kind of way about

your plight? That's how I genuinely show I care for you!

That's the most authentic expression of caring that I know!"

Her reply: I have nothing else to say.

My inner voice: Something's wrong...

I Began to Fall

This is my interpretation of how to find the bright side
of what appears to be a bleak situation. It's an act that
I continue to work towards, for we all have dark times
where we begin to fall...yet with the right focus...we
can begin to see the light.

Tomorrow is Monday...ALREADY?! I can feel my smile
retreating into its foxhole. My smile's reign of glee was as
triumphant as a raging bull tossing a novice rider. The
majestic power proclaiming its dominance seemed to have
an infinite source...until Sunday evening arrived. Much
like reality as it shatters dreams, the fantasies of youth
crushed by iron rods or steel beams, fate stepped foot
upon the shores of my laugh lines and I...began...to...fall...

Tomorrow is Monday...ALREADY?! My motivating
aspirations struggled tirelessly upon the cliffs of happiness
but as the sun began to fall, the wind began to swirl and
moisture fell upon the soil like quarters and nickels
cracking floors. It was obvious...the more effort I
released, the faster time was corrupted, mutating actions into
exercises in futility. The well-rested feeling I claimed
has now been captured by the sub-plot of my
prime time series...that was doing quite well in the ratings
might I add...but alas...I...began...to...fall...

Tomorrow is Monday...BUT before I go to sleep, I hear
a song I have known all my life, yet the name has always
eluded me. It has the beat of my heart, the words have
always been the same...it sings an invitation to my mind
to retreat into the bliss of my internal glow, the one part of
me that knows the destiny that awaits me. AND...after
Monday...I will be one moment closer to that peace I once
had. So, with this thought...I...willingly...begin...to...fall...

Upside Down, Inside Out

This is an expression of one's embrace of
a chaotic world. Taking ownership of
one's circumstances is not an easy task, but once
this has been done, something interesting happens...

There is a hole forming deep within my chest,
from the inside out;
At first I thought of it as an adverse food reaction,
trapped in an unwanted place;
I admit I didn't foresee the potential impact,
my world turning upside down.

As the frequency increased, so did my awareness,
centered around my heart;
If I had known, I would not be in this position now,
regrets affect perception;
I began feeling lost, attempting to trace the source,
overlooking the obvious;
The hole's size increases with each moment,
sadness, motivation, restlessness, inspiration sets in...

My emotions are now worn as sleeves, sweaters and coats,
hoping all that is seen is my protective attire;
My song and dance must go on until I rectify this matter,
secrets affect perception;
Asking for help would be revealing my treasure,
safeguard it at all costs;
This hole is a now a part of me that I am intent on filling,
my time is coming soon!

My Shoes

Sometimes when I see celebrities or public
figures on TV or online, I wonder what
really goes through their minds. Life in
the spotlight for someone who only wanted
to do what they loved must be a challenge.
The popular author, Sean Carter wrote,
"People say I've changed, but why would
I work this hard to stay the same?"

I never asked to be this sort of infamous,
iconic entity that you usually hear about
in a legend or folktale. I never asked to
have my name abused for pickup lines
or a stimulus for empathy. I never asked
for pedestals to be placed all around me
so that the only way I could move was to
take that step up. I never asked for any
favors, for rules to be bent or broken. I
never asked for any sacrifice to be made
in my name, honor or on my behalf.

Well you might say that although I didn't
ask for these things, I didn't refuse them either.
Contrary to popular belief I have refused more
than anyone could ever imagine. You might say
that it was my choice to have my life take the
turns it has, from the choices I made. You might
say that a person as knowledgeable as myself
clearly knew the consequences of my choices.
You might say that anyone would trade places
with me on any day, because the positives of
my life have to outweigh the challenges and
possible negatives that may come because of
who I am. You might say that I have no right
to feel any emotion other than appreciation. You
might say that...but I would politely disagree.

Until you have walked in my shoes; until you have
been placed in situations where no decision is a good
one for anyone else other than yourself; until you
have the opportunity to seek out your dreams but
have the possibility of losing everything you hold
dear; unless you are me...you can't say a thing...but
then again...by me stating this, I have become a
hypocrite of my own beliefs. For I have never worn
anyone else's shoes...and why should I, mine aren't
always a comfortable fit; but at least I know they are
mine...

What I'm Trying to Say

I recall times where I found it difficult to choose the right
words to express myself in conversations. I experience
strong and passionate emotions and when the
time comes to convey a message, passion begins to fade
into aggression and the intentions are misunderstood.
This is a poetic example of the process of choosing my
words to convey a certain message.

I'm yelling at the top of my lungs
but I still can't get it out;
It's like I'm screaming for no reason,
distortion's coming from my mouth.

I have something for the entire world to hear,
but my enlightenment is like another language
without a Rosetta Stone to make it clear. It's not like
my intentions are to speak in coded passages; my passions
come from deep in my within--the rage of a savage, being
navigated by emotions, that flow strong, the roaring rapids--
I fear if I get caught up in the current, there's no telling what
would happen...but it's pulling at my soul, this must be
my call to action.

An arsonist appeals to me at times, because the work
of destruction turns something into nothing but
it makes room for almost anything--dreams, fantasies--
possible improvements to the quality of life--reconstruction;
supplying a clean slate for the imagination. It would save me
the trouble of rupturing my voice box, and would save the world
from trying to decipher the coded language of my heart.

So, as the match became my pen and my words ignited this page,
I transformed into an arsonist, clearing the slate for my inception--
creating endless opportunities for the ideas like the one in quotes
below to inspire and motivate the minds of many:

"Don't allow anyone to take your joy!"

All it takes is a spark, then the fire will begin to rage, and
the passion that I tried to yell out earlier will finally be conveyed.

Radical Change, Installment #1

I can imagine that before you decide to become
a villain or superhero, thoughts like the
ones below must occur in your mind before
embarking on such a perilous journey. The
terms villain and superhero are used loosely...

I am ready to leave. Never before in my life
have I been so committed to one idea...the
idea of leaving; going, moving, beginning,
ending, improving, growing, changing...radically.

I am ready to leave. There has to be a reason
why I feel so out of place, so unevenly yoked
with the world around me, so at odds with my
own world of wondrous vision, so stagnated by
my immobility; and the only answer that my
heart and mind can or will agree upon is the
aforementioned five word sentence that began
this revelation.

I am ready to leave. When I exit a conversation
or the presence of others, there is not a single
inclination to say, "good-bye"...
To me, its implication is I do not plan on
seeing or talking to you again. Yet, lately, I have
begun fighting the urge to finalize conversations,
interactions, unedited works, projects, or other
tasks just so I can remove myself from what I
know as my world with a clear conscious. I want to feel
that all is well with my affairs, so that the radical change I
feel I desperately need is unconditionally welcomed
by every part of my being.

I am ready to leave. Never before, in my life,
have I been so committed to one idea; never before
has anything been so clear...

My life, as I know it, is over...
and a radical change must begin.

I am ready...

Treating Myself

I'm going out tonight,
dinner and a movie...
scratch that;

I'm going out this evening,
Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
hmmm wait;

I'm going out this afternoon,
late lunch, Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
better yet;

I'm going out today,
Ihop, GameStop, BestBuy...
late lunch, stroll through some stores,
Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
Popcorn, Twizzlers and a mixed ICEE.

I'm going out...treating myself...
because if I don't...who will?

Cut While Shaving

This morning I cut myself shaving...yes...a 33-year-old man
cut himself shaving. It's not like I'm a novice to this art of
image enhancement but alas, the razor parted the skin on
the lower right side of my jaw, adjacent to my chin, making
my goatee uniquely shaped (I think I like it!). As soon
as it happened I knew, just as anyone knows because I felt it.
I felt the razor glide across my skin, removing stubble and
skin in one even stroke.

As I continued shaving (because what
man actually stops shaving because he has cut himself),
my mind raced back to the beginning of my shaving process,
retracing the steps I took, and then analyzing the technique
I chose to employ to alleviate my face of the community of
black tops that began to emerge last night. I immediately
recognized the flaw of implementation. My flaw is one that is not
uncommon to us, men and women, who choose to remove
the shade from our skin...I pressed too hard with the razor.

Once I felt my skin part, my technique change and I began
to pay closer attention to my stroke, the strength I used to press
the blade upon my skin, and my intentions for this activity. I bring
up my intention because no one plans or expects to cut themselves.
True, it doesn't surprise the trimmers of the world when
it occurs* but the feelings are still the same when it does happen...
discomfort, disappointment, concern, peace in clarity, and if the cut is
deep enough, sometimes we feel pain.

I write all of this to say that there are times in our lives that we
attempt to shave, trim or plainly cut things, thoughts or people
out of our lives. Once we begin, we choose our tool of choice--some
of us use a single blade while others enjoy two or more blades with
a moisturizing strip (I'm a double blade with strip man myself).
Then, we use our tool of choice and the process appears relatively
simple and pleasant...until...we get cut or we cut ourselves...
meaning we have something happen that is unexpected
(possibly predictable because we know it can happen*)
and we must immediately adjust our technique by
analyzing our technique and intent of implementation. While we
reassess, we can and should continue even though there may be
discomfort, concern, disappointment, and sometimes pain. Regardless
of the initial feelings, there is always a peace in clarity that arrives
and we are better people for the experience.

We shave or cut things, thoughts or people out of our lives because
we know it's what we need in order to be happy and content with
ourselves. Everyone should be at peace with themselves and sometimes
the only way to do that is to clear the shaded areas of our lives.

What Does It Mean

Regardless of what it is, any decision of significance
has consequences. These consequences may affect you
indirectly but will directly affect someone you hold dear.

Is that the price of happiness? Success? Finding your dreams?

Placing passion over people, passion over reason (in some cases)
and passion over love, may very well be the ultimate
sacrifice for what you want.

Is that the price your willing to pay for happiness? Success?
Achieving your dreams?

A dream deferred immediately becomes it's polar opposite...
a nightmare...a haunting reality that plagues the mind with
such questions as What if? How come? If only? Could there
have been?

So when you hear the statements "Follow your dreams" or
"Do what makes you happy"; what do these statements really mean?
Are you being told to prepare to sacrifice almost everything to
achieve your goals? Are you being told that the only way you
can follow your dreams is by making a choice or a series of choices
that will ultimately end with someone you care about being hurt...
Even if the hurt is unintentional or only lasts for a limited amount
of time, would it be worth it to you?

Think about it...doesn't everyone successful person
have regrets? Do your research...YouTube some videos...look at
their facial expressions during interviews...watch TMZ...public figures
or people who are labeled as those who have sought out and either are
achieving or have achieved their dreams, give up a lot because of their
achievements, regardless of their level of wealth.

Everyone deserves to be happy and to have peace of mind.
Everyone may not fully understand that it may come at a price.
What price are you willing to pay?

Unforseen Emotion

The hardest thing I've ever done was
_______________. I told myself I
would never do that again. For a few years
I stayed true to my word until
I made an even harder decision. How could I
allow you to _______? Why would
I think this would be ok for us? Why would I
think this would be ok for me?! I'm clearly
not as strong as what you may have hoped
or as I would have liked to be. There is no way
to accurately describe how it feels to be ______
yet I know I can't fill your ears with such thoughts.

You have it hard enough as it is,
dealing with being ____________________. How
selfish would it be to burden you
with my inability or my unwillingness to deal with
the situation I created for us?

Why didn't I just take the blue pill
and leave this so-called reality behind
and enter into the real world, our new world?
No cameras, no plot driven non-script...
just us...being...

My Mind Is Filled

My mind is filled with memory lanes,
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze,
Bringing to light the darkness that has passed;
Past lives lived as present gifts disappeared...

Slowly...

Steadily...

Purposefully...

Stepping closer to an unknown vacancy filled with
Feelings of expectancy, expecting me to see
A sea of opportunity because what else could
Be there?

What else could await me?

The breast strokes of my best hopes hold on
To helplessness and careless lessons that
Beckon the day of reckoning that makes me
Accept the fact that I, alone, lack what it takes to be the
Man that I need to be, because seeing what I can be
Has been more influential than just being a human
Being in this stagnated enterprise, comprised of fire and ice,
Aggressively grasping the materials needed to make
A foundation strong enough to maintain change...
The only constant consistency within me...change...

The only constant consistency is
Not knowing who I am, yet feeling who I will be with He
Who holds my Trust because I want to trust another to
Be more than just thee...

My mind is filled with memory lanes,
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze that
Brings to me: things, places, people and ideas;
Ideally to heal me because what's real to me--
Ideas I can't see...
Feelings I can't feel...
But the promises I know await me.

My mind is filled with memory lanes
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze...
Upon the horizon of promises I know await me.

Excuse Me From Your Reality

This is a conversation…well, part of a conversation I had to have with myself during a time of turmoil in my life. It’s a little animated but, well...I'm a creative thinker and writer...

I’m not really sure how it has gotten to this point. What I do know is that I’m tired. Regardless of your feelings or how life is stressing you, I…ME…I AM TIRED, STRESSED and on some days not even sure who I am other than a mindless drone, going through the motions of life until I can effectively deal with MY LIFE. Yet, for some reason, there is your audacity knocking at my door…your impatience with what I’m doing, with what I need, because your “eye” only sees what you want.

Funny how that works out isn’t it…BUT not as funny as your repetitive manipulation or attempt to change situations to fit your benefit, your dreams or YOUR fantasies. If you like, I can just drop everything and cater to your every wish…maybe then, when I have neglected everything that is important in my life, MAYBE then you will have had your fill of ME and suggest I do some things for myself…after I have wasted time...with YOU.

Too bad you don’t have enough sense to support me or just leave me to my business so that I can take care of my responsibilities. Instead, you throw subliminal jabs when I decline an offer to “chill”, “hang out” or to do anything other than what I need to do. Excuse me and my life…as a matter of fact, PLEASE EXCUSE ME from YOUR reality and I wish you "NOTHING" because obviously that’s what you wish for me.

Dear (Insert Name Here), #3

Dear (To Whom It May Concern) #3:

I have finally decided. I’m going to do it. I knew that if I told you face to face you would try to say something to talk me out of what I have determined is the best way for me to handle this situation. I knew that the look on your face would be imprinted upon my brain and I would never be able to implement, if I may say so, the perfect plan to thrust me into my destiny. Careful consideration has been taken to ensure that I am acting purely on behalf of myself. Now, this may be considered as a selfish act when worded in such a way but believe me, it has taken quite a bit of concentration and focus to empathize with those who may feel a certain kind of way about my decision. Although it may not be a popular choice, it is my choice…and mine alone.

It has taken me 3 months to understand that with anything you do in life, you cannot please everyone. And with decisions that alter our realities, such as, which sport or instrument to play, which guy you will allow to take you to the prom and possibly be your “first”, which college to attend or what career will make you happy but also allow you to live the life that you have envisioned for yourself; these decisions have the potential to hurt your closest friend and break the heart of your one true love. These decisions can disappoint your parents and make you the topic of every family holiday gathering. So, I suppose when you give or read this letter to them, you can let them know that I couldn't give a damn who doesn’t respect my decision or who is hurt by it.

I’ve had to deal with their poor decision-making over the years and I’m sure none of them ever wondered, “Hey, I wonder how _______ would feel if I did or said this?” No! You know what I did get though? Slaps in the face, public ridicule, disrespect, jabs at my self-esteem, taunts, back-handed compliments, a detailed list of my short-comings, too many I told you so statements, and even pros and cons lists that clearly placed me at the top of several totem poles. Yes, the top. The top actually represents the thing that is least important, not the bottom...

I’m tired of being rejected, subjected to mind games and heartless comments followed by “I’m just playing” comments. I’m tired of worrying if I’m good enough for…for anyone! I’m tired of studying for weeks only to earn a C-. I’m tired of cooking, cleaning, serving plates, washing clothes, being reminded of him with almost everything I do! I’m tired of being the one who is always there, the one he can count on, the one who deserves more…I mean seriously…if I deserved more yet we both know you’re giving her those things then obviously I’M NOT WORTH IT TO YOU! So why let that _____ leave your cold lips? I don’t deserve this…any of this…from family to so-called friends to lovers…I don’t need this…

So…I’ve decided…I’ve decided to make the decision to change my reality. At this point, my life is not one to be envied. It is not one that can be a testimony because I have yet to come out of any storm. It is not a life that anyone can learn from because who would be foolish enough to place herself in this position. I feel as helpless as a butterfly with no wings…I have decided to do the only thing that will end all of this…this reality that I have grown to reluctantly accept as my life…I have decided to grow wings…

Obsessive Tendencies

On a recent flight, I was thinking of my future, things I want to do, places I want to see, the usual random thoughts and I came across an important question. Have I always had obsessive tendencies? I used to look at my habits as "the right way of doing things", perseverance or the passion of a perfectionist; at least that's how I saw it as a kid. Now, I may be simply classified as O.C.D., seems like a downgrade from a dynamic personality.

As a kid, my allowances/piggy bank savings were spent on Pac-Man, screaming in a rage if someone bumps me or talks to me, saying silly statements like, "your mom's leaving you." Who cares?! I'm in a groove, it's like the joy stick is an extension of my brain and my hand merely moves so that your feeble minds can comprehend the greatness that is right in front of you. This isn't just a game! It's a challenge! It's a refuge! It's a constant taunt at my ability and intelligence. If my score isn't higher than my previous attempt, I have wasted time, and time is only meant to be spent doing what you love with those that you love but if your love can't over-stand me then I'll just continue doing what I love.

My toy chest was probably the most organized of all of my family & friends. I took great pride in placing each action figure, car or miniature arcade game (Yes they had those. I had Donkey Kong, Q-Bert and PAC Man). I would position each one perfectly so that if someone were to accidentally bump into the chest, none would fall. I could also tell if anyone moved any of my toys by doing this as well. There were 4 shelves on the chest and each shelf would have a theme of figures: He-Man, Star Wars, Transformers and a random shelf that had G.I. Joe and other miscellaneous things on it. I would dust my toys and the shelves at least once a week. Below the shelves was the actual chest. Inside things were in order according to the side of the chest. Each side was for a particular type of toy. Sometimes this area would get a little messy but I could close it so no one could see. My toys were very special to me. To paraphrase the song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, they were my escape into other worlds of pure imagination. What I would see would defy, explanation!

My clothes had to be ironed before I wore them or they just didn't feel right on my body. And of course there is a particular way to iron my clothes. Sleeves need creases, pants and shorts too! My undershirt needed to be wrinkle free as well so that it rested gently on my skin. It wasn't until I was about 25 that I began to force myself not to iron my gym clothes, but I still do sometimes because the color of my t-shirts may have that "bacon neck" thing going as shown in those Jordan Hanes commercials.

So now, with the successes of modern science I was relieved of my "eccentric" label and given a more "appropriate" one, "Slight Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" or "O.C.D." That's not something you can brag about. It's kind of a killjoy actually. Since it's Monday, I will say, "F the diagnosis! I'm just gonnabe eccentric!" That's how my dad describes me anyway! *sticks tongue out here*

Dear (Insert Name Here), #2

Dear (Insert Name Here),

I have thought about all that you said and quite honestly,
you have balls mister! You have never been the
mostly timely I can assure you of that. I'm not sure if this
is a test of my faith or a test of wills but I do not appreciate
being placed in this position at all. Do you know how long
I waited to hear those words from you? Do you know?
Do you?!

There was a time where I would've given anything to hear
you say half of what you told me. I would stay awake at
night praying for God to help me deal with my desires for
you to be a permanent part of my life. I would rack my
brain in search of a reason why things seemed to go wrong
whenever we tried to be together or why it didn't work in
the first place.

I was very patient with you. I even stopped making excuses
for you and began to accept your flaws, just because I wanted
you to look at me the way I looked at you. And when it was
all said and done, I began a long and arduous road to learning
to live without the dream of us. I finally broke out of my
shell and dated. I even talked to you about those girls you
called yourself dating. But through it all, I found one truth
about you that I couldn't escape and had to accept...there is
one thing that always happens when we get close. When the
dust settles, I always find myself in a state of disappointment.

So, not to be rude or inconsiderate of your feelings, because
I do still love you, I am just unsure that I am willing to risk being
disappointed and completely destroyed emotionally again by
taking a chance with you. You are really selfish, did you know
that? All this time and NOW you want to tell me this?!
After all of the work I've done to get myself back on track,
I really want to stay on track. Lauryn Hill said it best, "Loving
you is a battle, and we both end up with scars".

I don't know...I'm going to have to take some time and
think this through because even though he proposed, I told him
that I would need some time. And now that my best friend has
decided he wants to "come clean", my head is spinning. You see,
unlike you, he has yet to disappoint me, unlike you, who seemed
to have mastered that skill.

And that's what I am afraid of. I'm afraid that he
will eventually disappoint me too and then what will I do?
Will I be able to handle it? Will I forgive him? Or will the ghosts
of our past come back to haunt me and ruin my chances at happiness?
Should I give you a chance, knowing what I'm getting myself into,
possibly being disappointed again?

I have a lot to think about now...thanks a lot...

Dear (Insert Name Here), #1

Dear (Insert Name Here),

I haven't been very honest with you over the years, but this
is no surprise to you I'm sure. You have always had a way of
knowing something even when I never said a thing. I guess
that intuition thing was more accurate than you or I wanted to
believe. But as I was saying, I have kept many things
from you and I decided that the only way to tell you would be
for me to write this letter, memorize it, then approach you
with my manly stance and a voice of conviction. The things
I'm going to tell you aren't easy for me to say and may not
be easy for you to hear. One thing will be clear, after
hearing this, you will either want to be with me for the rest
of your life or you will never want to smell any scent that
reminds you of me.

Ever since the first time I saw you, I knew we would have a
future. I was sure that any girl that could take my breath
away with her smile and could make me feel at peace with
her voice was definitely my heart's desire. Whether you
acknowledge it or not, even though we have not been together,
the time that elapses during spells of no communication never
seem to diminish our connection. Whenever I have good
news or bad, you are always there, even more than I am
for you. But that's what I want to change. I want to be there
for you, loving you beyond a shadow of a doubt so that when
you feel low, high or somewhere in between, you know that I'm
right here, for you.

Many times I look back on the days we had and wonder why didn't
I realize what I truly needed because right now, I know that over
the past few years I have really needed you. I have made it but
it would've been a lot sweeter to make it with you. Most of the
things you did with and for me are what I feel I've needed in my
life the most. Your support and encouragement has always seen
me through even when I couldn't see the way. I appreciate that
quality in you. I appreciate the woman that you were and the woman
that I have had the privilege of seeing grow over the years.

I proudly admit that the way you loved more has never been
replaced by any other woman that has come into my life after you.
Even the ones who you didn't like or approve of when you were
"just trying to be a good friend to me". Your loving was complete.
It filled me up, it sustained me, it created moments that I still
dream about til this day! No other woman has done that because
no other woman has had the combination of a personality and
beauty that you continue to maintain at the highest level.

Now, I won't say that any man would be blessed to have you in his
life because that is a lie. It's a lie because any man just won't do for
you! You're too special to have any man. But if I'm deemed as any man,
and you decided to give me the opportunity to be with you, I would
spend my life trying not to be any man. I would dedicate my all to you,
to my elusive dream...my greatest joy.

I guess you may be wondering where all of this is coming from. You're
probably wondering why am I telling you this now since we are "just
friends" and that we have agreed that a relationship is just not possible
between us. The most honest answer that I can give is that all of this,
is coming from my heart. All of this is coming from the man within this
shell of a body. All of this is coming from a place inside of a man that
scares me. It scares me because of the intense passion and love that
flows from this place could overtake me and leave me defenseless.
All of this comes from me, a man who realizes that he has always been
in love with you and wants to share and
enjoy love with you for the rest of our lives.

Please understand, I'm not telling you this just because he proposed.
I'm telling you this because I feel like you made a decision based on
some of the facts, not all. I'm not trying to create any drama and I
know this is a selfish thing to do, but if I never said this to you, I
couldn't have forgiven myself. If you still choose him, then you do.
But at least you know that what I'm saying is true. Just look into my
eyes, you know it's there...you can see it, just as you always could.

Her Confession, His Reply

She confessed, "I need to whine tonight". His eye brows rose,
and the lump in his throat moved up and down slowly.

She erupted, "Don't worry about it, I'm going to Jenny's!
A girl's night is beckoning". His chin fell against his sternum,
as a quiet sigh escaped from his lips. "I don't need a daddy!
I have one! He is perfectly capable of performing his fatherly
roles. You have proven that you don't care enough JUST to listen...
I'll see you later." He reached out for her...barely missing her
shoulder as she turned quicker than he anticipated. His lips parted,
"Shelly," but the sound of the door closing muffled his attempt.

Confusion chose his face as its playground. I can't stand to
see her hurting...when she tells me her problems...I don't know,
I just want to see her smile more, laugh more and not be so on edge.
I miss the fun-loving Shelly. So yes, I think of ways to fix or
solve her problems. It's draining to be the one who gets all the
whining, complaining, mood swings and statements of insecurity.
I can't remember the last time she told me a joke or really laughed
with me, much less laughed at herself...I miss her...

As she backed out of the driveway, he burst through the front
door yelling, "I'M NOT TRYING TO BE HIM!
I'M TRYING TO LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU!
I JUST WANNA SEE YOU SMILE AGAIN!"

Immediately stopping and letting down her window, Shelly confessed
again. "What? What did you say? I had the music up too loud. David!
What is it?! It's too hot out here for this!"

Once again, his chin fell against his sternum, as he turned
and went back into the house...see you when you get back...

Turning Choices Into Memories

Regardless of the amount of experiences you
may have, sooner or later a decision has been
made to do or not to do something. It may be
part of a plan to improve your life. It may be
because those behaviors may not excite or
benefit you anymore. Whatever your reason,
you made a decision and moved forward, turning
choices into memories.

I would like you to keep in mind, as you move forward,
it is important not to judge those who may not
have turned their choices into memories. I have
witnessed and participated in such acts of
hypocritical reasoning but luckily, I had a moment
of clarity before too much time had passed.
I realized that everyone doesn't change,
bend or grow at the same time, or when I
may want them too. Things that I find
important, or not so much anymore, represent
a personal value system that cannot govern
the actions of anyone else.

So, when I hear statements like,
"He used to do a lot of dirt in undergrad;
She cheated on him with his friend;
I heard you got around back in the day;
She used to drink more than most guys;
He was the laziest one of all," I shake my
head. I shake my head because I recognize
that each statement is made in the past
tense, which means the actions mentioned
were also performed in the past.
(I hope you see where this is going)

A wise woman stated "Those
who always remember and bring up how you
were in the past, never really wanted the
best for you". As you look to leave things
in the past and move forward, turning choices
into memories, make sure you allow others
to do the same.

Clear Intentions

His lips parted...

Slowly, a final breath climbed
out of him, as his chest contracted outward,
his abdomen clinched as his shoulders raised,
matching the hairs on his arms and neck...

His intentions are clear.

Throughout time his gaze has separated reality
from fictitious accounts of fantasy found in the
dreams of young men. He has been intent on
performing this moment, with these exact
actions, ever since he decided to take his
final breath.

With his final breath, he began to position
himself for the greatest challenge of his known
existence; The outcome has played over and
over in his mind and now it was the moment of truth...
Licking his lips, his nose is greeted by a minty
scent of security.

The moment had arrived.

His arm extended, his right hand opened as
his right leg bent in a downward motion
so that his knee would gently press upon
the floor...

And as their eyes connected, her lips parted...

And slowly, a final breath climbed
out of her, as her chest contracted outward,
her abdomen clinched as her shoulders raised,
matching the hairs on her arms and neck...

Her intentions were clear.

As he replayed the events over and over in his
mind, he realized all of her movements that night
matched his...all but one...for she was moving
towards him, as he took the last breaths of his own
life and entered into theirs.

An Epiphany

This is an attempt to reveal that the
simplest questions may not always
have the simplest answers...at least
not for this guy, the voice below.

There's one question that he always has trouble
answering. It's the question that drives him,
yet it's also the question that he never feels
he has ever been able to accurately answer...

Who are you?

Disguising his inability to respond quickly, his
clever retort is also a common pet peeve,
answering the question with a question...
"What exactly would you like to know?"

Brilliant! Perfect! Now, instead of hesitating,
thus divulging his secret, he has placed the ball
in the inquirer's court. So, if his answer isn't
sufficient, it will not be his fault, because he
has responded to the "clarified question".

Who are you...well, I guess, what do you enjoy
doing?

Ha! Now, he can choose to address this many
different ways. He can give generic answers
with a couple of specific things to make the
inquirer feel that he attempted to answer.
Rarely, if ever has his bluff been called,
because he is a "wordsmith", a clever
smooth talker; one who studies his interviewer
and responds according to his/her facial
expressions, but not really answering the
question.

Who are you?

If they only knew...If they only knew that
I haven't been able to answer that question
for years. Sure, I can be defined
by my associations, my memberships, my
occupation, my hobbies...but truthfully
those things don't define me. As the
popular and powerful phrase states,
"I define me!" Yet, I have no idea...
I have no idea who I am...

I have placed myself in so many situations,
damaging my perceived character,
all for the cause of helping others.
My dad told me that I had a big heart and
that one day it would get me in trouble...
My dad is always right because I have seen
more troubled days than I would like to admit.

As I'm thinking right now, I have had an
epiphany. I think I know who I am now. So,
I shall restate the question and then answer it.

Who are you?

I am a troubled man...one who continues to

seek an elusive dream,
an elusive dream that, with each day,

grows more and more into my greatest joy.

I am a troubled man, who is seeking Peace of
Mind, so that one day I may truly rest.

Hmmm...I wonder if I should tell the next person who
inquires, "Who are you?" That would be a
great way to begin a conversation, don't you
think?

The Lesson, Chapter One

This is Chapter One of my novel, The Lesson...a story

of finding something you never knew existed.

"Raise your hand if you would like to read a color," announced
Mr. Anderson, surveying the room for any inappropriate behavior.
From right to left, his eyes scanned each group of desks, each isle,
the door and then, finally, he regained the courage to turn his back
and began to write.

"Laurie."

"Green, Mr. Anderson. I always want my favorite color."

"Just making sure it's you and not an alien using mind control
over you," laughed the sci-fi loving educator. Mr. Anderson often
made jokes, not for the students to enjoy, but because it put him in
a better mood.

"David, red right?"

7th Grade English classes began and ended the same way, every
day, for the past 10 years. Students knew what to expect from
Mr. Anderson, and Mr. Anderson made it clear what he expected.
Work. Hard work. If students were looking to have fun, they knew
they would not find it in Mr. Anderson's room. Sure, there were
laughs, maybe some jokes, silly comments and possibly a movie or
three during the year, but not fun. Just work. Group work maybe,
but hard work, nonetheless.

It was a known fact that anything said in his classroom

and anything that may have occurred in the presence

of the students and Mr. Anderson could appear on an

assessment. This could have worked in the students'

favor, if they were paying attention, had a great memory

or were great at taking notes! Three years ago, two boys

were discussing the latest video game while Mr. Anderson

was teaching and their exact conversation was used in a

quiz on quotation marks!

Til this day, his students can't figure out how he was able
to teach, listen to their conversation and remember exactly
what the boys said. Consequently, the boys earned lunch
detention for talking during instructional time. If you were

to ask them then or even today, those guys would say

it was well worth it. To have their names and their

conversation used on the quiz made them instant legends!

There was once a fire alarm that interrupted an assembly.
He used this situation as an essay question to measure his
students' ability to create a poem, that incorporated

figurative language, to describe the incident.

Mr. Anderson also used conversations he overheard in the

hallways. He used them in grammar lessons.

Most conversations were spoken using incorrect grammar,

so his students were assigned the task of correcting the

sentences. They were also assigned a week long project

to create a comic strip using those sentences.

"So, today we are going to begin our winter project. We are going
to create a game to help us learn our vocabulary words. This game
can be used in all of your classes so it's very important that we pay
attention and follow all directions."

Could this be true?

A game? A game in Mr. Anderson's class?

Could this be the first game ever played in Mr. Anderson's class?

The student's were...confused and excited, an amazing combination
of emotions to say the least. Mr. Anderson had always made several
comments about how games did not have a place in his classroom,
how playing is for gyms and playgrounds or extra-curricular activities,

not for learning, not in his classroom.

Mr. Anderson's beginning of the year speech began like this:

"This isn't recess or P.E. This is a learning environment. In this

particular learning environment, we must have order. We must

have order, structured procedures and high expectations of

behavior. If one of these things are lacking, effective learning

cannot occur. And if there is one thing that I will not stand for,

it is someone, much less more than one person, hindering

another's education."

Yet, here it was...on this day, Mr. Anderson seemed to contradict
his very being with every word he uttered. He continued his

project introduction speech, "you will be grouped and each group

will be assigned different aspects of the project to complete. If one

group is slack, the entire project will crumble and all of your work

will be for not." Mr. Anderson sometimes used words like slack,

not to try to be cool, but it was one of his many ways of getting his

point across.

Students were in shock. Carrie, who was the youngest of four

siblings, two older sisters and one slightly older brother,

all who had experienced the wonderfully talented Mr. Anderson,

secretly sent her older brother Ronald an instant message

spreading this unbelievable news. Ronald replied, "it must be

a joke or maybe he has finally gone off the deep end!" Another

student, Daniel, actually thought about raising his hand to ask Mr.

Anderson if he were feeling okay, but decided against it.

No one ever wanted to get on Mr. Anderson's bad side. Although

there were not any games (as of yet) in his classroom, Mr. Anderson

would give students a lot of control over how lessons were taught

and how work would be completed. No one wanted to give up

such power and freedom.

There were stories of how Mr. Anderson stripped one class of

their "rights as students." Mr. Anderson did not

speak to them for three weeks! Not even in the hallways or cafeteria!

In fact, before those students were allowed in his classroom, each

had to have a pencil (already sharpened) in one hand and a

binder in the other hand before being allowed to enter his room.

Then, once inside the classroom, all of their assignments would be

on a PowerPoint. The slides went through each section of the

lesson, just like it normally would, only no one read or explained

them. Mr. Anderson would not allow those students to

volunteer to read the color coded slides, which always included

very cool graphics. The colors sometimes represented the

difficulty of words, or the amount of words students had to read.

Mostly, this was a way that Mr. Anderson discovered, as a young

teacher, to get the most reluctant students to participate in his class.

Mr. Anderson believed that all students needed something to

identify with and as adolescents, colors were a big part of their

waredrobe, which in turn, were a big part of their lives. So,

his lessons would always make some kind of connection with

his students.

Each slide was on a timer, so if students didn't

write or read fast enough, the slide would automatically change

and those students would miss out on that information. Anyone

who spoke more than twice would receive a referral to the office.

And the principal supported him! Can you believe that?!

Mr. Anderson was really good at documenting things and

retelling events exactly how they occurred. This was his bread

and butter when it came to discipline. Going against Mr. Anderson

was like going against an army. A kid didn't have a chance!

Mr. Anderson was really stubborn and always kept his word, even

when it seemed improbable. So, for students to know this about

their teacher, how was it possible for him to switch

gears like this? What had happened to Mr. Anderson? Were there

aliens controlling his mind? Is that why he overused that lame joke

on a weekly basis?

No, those were silly questions. The reality was that there

was definitely something going on, but no one wanted to rock this

boat. Think about it. If Mr. Anderson is introducing one game,

who's to say he wouldn't allow more "fun" and "play" to happen

in his class? The possibilities were endless! And anyone

walking by his classroom on this day, at this time, could see these

endless possibilities dance across every 7th grader's mind

simultaneously, as Mr. Anderson introduced this new and exciting,

but very different project.

Looking in the Mirror

In reflection of this piece, I feel it is necessary to share that
at times I have these moments of clarity. This piece is an
expression of one of those moments, where I recognized
some things about myself that I may never reveal, yet the
process in which this discovery was made, is one that
I felt I needed to share.

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I began to wonder
when my face became so familiar. I began to wonder when
my facial hair began to grow, when my mustache and chin
hair connected, when my nose hairs began to grow out of my
nose...and I can't remember...

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I began to wonder
when was my face rounder, when was my face slender, and
if I even knew it was either round or slender
without seeing pictures or having someone tell me I gained
or lost weight...and I can't remember any of that...

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I began to wonder
when my face began to change from laugh lines to trace lines
for an occasional scowl, where did these lines come from
that I'm finding in my face, or when my ears disappeared because
those things were huge! Wait...my ears still stick out from my
head (just pulled my hair back, darn it!)
but I don't remember when that other stuff began...

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I began to wonder
if I enjoyed my growth spurt, if my voice ever changed with the
dramatic screeches in the midst of excitement, or when I grew
all this body hair (my future wife will enjoy this I'm sure, Ha-Ha)
but I can't remember...

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I realized that I do not
look at myself. I have not looked at myself with the intent of
finding new things or to remind myself of who I am, even though
I look when I shave or to wash my face or to see how my clothes
may or may not fit. I am surprised that I haven't stopped and
stared because today I found that I didn't recognize myself...
I look familiar...but I do not appear to be the person I have
envisioned myself to be...and that has placed
a great smile on my face!

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I realized that
I am changing! I was looking at myself in the mirror and
I realized that if I'm not who I envisioned myself to be, then
who is this man that everyone else sees?
I realized that this is an opportunity, a grand opportunity that
I have each day; because with each day the changes mentioned
above had to have happened...slowly, but purposefully, they have
occurred, developing over time because with progression there
must be change--so I have this opportunity to project the on-going
production of an evolving man to the world that I am attached. I
realized that I have the opportunity to make lasting impressions
with small, maybe even unnoticeable gestures because
over time, those gestures will create a great change
in the world around me.

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I realized that
I am changing...I was looking at myself and I began to accept
these changes...I began to embrace these changes...I began to want
more changes to occur...
Because with any progression, there must be change!

Seconds Please

This is an abstract piece that I hope will generate many
ideas or questions as to what it is I'm speaking of. I enjoyed
writing this, for saying one thing several different ways is
as exciting to write as I imagine it is to read...Enjoy!

Seconds please, yes a little more;
Not just on one spot either, even it out
All the way around...I'm not shy about
It at all.

I know what I like and I have always known what
I've wanted; too bad for some, they misunderstood
that when I had others I was doing so out
of my own ignorance...silly isn't it? For someone to
feel that they know what's best for you, when they
themselves have not what makes them
Want more...Seconds please, yes a little more...because
when I figured out what I wanted, that made me want
other things. Contradiction maybe? Not quite, because
how else could I grow to appreciate how special, delectable,
unique, and amazingly wonderful what I know I wanted
really was if I'm not immersing myself within the confines of
what I know I couldn't possibly desire?

Still not following? Maybe that's a good thing. It's my
Mad-Hatter Matter-of-Fact Formula to ultimate bliss
and eternal peace, so now, as I sleep without a care, there's
only the calming realization that I now have what I wanted...
Seconds please, yes a little more...

I would take time to explain but my wise father told me
"That would be a waste of time,
Say what you mean and mean what you say,"
so I'm saying now, that there isn't enough time to spend with what I
have always wanted and as soon as I have what I have wanted,
I'm definitely ready for seconds;
Not because I'm greedy.
It's only sweet motivation to finish what I
have started, slowly, deliberately, purposefully,
enjoying each moment,
So that I may begin again...a sweet redundancy.
Fresh...warm...fulfilling...PERFECT FOR ME...

So, seconds please...yes a little more;
Not all in one place, spread it all around...I'm not shy about it at all...

I Haven't Written In A While

I haven't written anything in a while so I decided to write
about not writing. This took me about 10 minutes to get
out and again I will not edit it until maybe sometime later
if needed...thanks for reading all of the previous blogs and
please continue reading!!!

It's interesting that I haven't written anything since January.
I wonder if its because I've let my life become too busy or
if it's just a matter of feeling as though I don't have anything
to contribute to the world. Seems like a pretty long time not
to have anything to say. With all of the inspiring things around
me, from students to family and friends, strangers in the day,
nothing has stimulated my mind to generate a single thought.

I decided when I began this journey of a blog not to force myself
to write. So, as readers read my work, I guess its safe to say that
everything I write just flows out. I very seldom edit my work
once it is written, which I'm sure is a horrible habit to have as a
writer. What does happen is that I will receive comments and
questions about what I meant and then, I will go back and adjust
my words or phrases.

I dare not say that I'm some sort of Jay-Z type where it just comes
out flawlessly in one take. I generally have an idea or three in my
head as a work in progress and then one day it's like BAM! Guess
that's how God works!

Oh...Congrats to the Saints! New Orleans deserves this!
Sincerely,
A Lifetime Colts Fan

I Can't Imagine

I am writing this without any attempt to
edit this piece, because if my emotion caused
an error, for now, I want it to be shown...as
this is my expression towards the tragedy that
has occurred in Haiti.

I can't imagine coping with such loss,
Separation through devastation for lack of
a better phrase, a Horrible price...
Images, video and Stories weaken the heart,
Realizing that Reality is Too Real to be True,
Hoping that for once, time Eludes us,
So that we can look back, instead of living
through the Nightmares of others...

A coward's words? Not quite...
an Empathetic Heart's Cry is more accurate;
Accepting what is real...Must be done,
so this is more of a vision of what we hope to be.

I can't imagine what Fills the mind
of those feeling Chosen to be left Behind,
Twisted Confused Hearts aching while
Hope resides in the souls of All,
The Spirit of Man, Woman, and Child
reaches out through song, speeches and
Bright Watered Eyes...
there is so much to do...
there are many ways to help...
there will be opportunities to lift others...

I can't imagine Not Helping...
I can't imagine Hearing Cries for help...
I can't imagine seeing someone being saved,
knowing there are countless numbers of others
that may not...I can't imagine Not Being Able to Do
Anything, But Wait...and Wait...and Wait...
And Scream...and Scream...and Scream...
I can't imagine....

I can't imagine what is in front of my eyes,
these Images on the screen, this Entire travesty...
I can't imagine what is real, from so far away...
in what is in front of Everyone...
I Can't Imagine...

Have You Ever?

This was written in the aftermath of a very turbulent year. This was
my first reflection upon how great things can go horribly wrong.
There are many lessons that a man may learn...this is just one of them.

Have you ever did so much, or said so little,
That the dream you wanted seemed to be out of touch?
Never mind true intentions cause reality sucks,
And those intentions could change the life of the very ones you love.

No hugs, no kisses or well wishes can solve,
Or resolve the pain inflicted if you chose to speak...
Clearly divulging transgressions make you afraid to speak the truth
But do you really want a lie as the foundation of what you want so much?
That you need so much? That's so real you can touch?

Have you ever wanted a dream that seemed out of touch?
Never mind true intentions cause reality sucks…
Have you ever wanted a dream that seemed so real,
You could finally have something real and give something you can feel?

Has it ever been a time where you went too far?
Not knowing how to make right what you've done for so long;
Late nights, phone calls, efforts being misplaced,
The one you needed to be with was standing right in your face,
Now you long for the love that you pushed away.

You began hoping...now praying for those rainy days,
Because your new sunny days are not shining as bright--
Itching from your greener grass you can't sleep at night;
It looked good from where you stood, all pretty and tamed,
Until you got it for yourself and found out it just wasn't the same...

Now you're staying up late
Gotta work twice as hard,
Just to maintain and manage your newly acquired yard.
Hind sight is 20/20...you made your life hard;
Hind sight is 20/20...now look at your life.

Have you ever wanted a dream that seemed out of touch,
Never mind true intentions cause reality sucks?
Have you ever wanted a dream that seemed so real;
You could have something real and give something you can feel?

Desires of Your Heart

This is something I wrote about 3 years ago
and it seems to fit situations in my life right now.
I dare not say that I know all the answers,
but this was definitely a moment of clarity
that I can appreciate and I hope my readers will too.

In my years on earth, I have experienced more than what some will ever know and few can fully understand. Yet, when I look at my life presently, I have found myself wondering what to do next. So, in my quest to find my place in the world, my heart's desire, my purpose...the little voice in my head revealed that a closer walk with God is necessary in this search. A very close friend of mine sent me a scripture via text that confirmed some thoughts of mine.Psalms 37:3-8 pretty much sums up what Christians need to do to find your heart's true desire, thus revealing the purpose of your life.

"Trust in the Lord and do good, Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires." I stop there, not because that is the most important part but to call attention to "your heart's desires". Our minds and emotions can become tangled up at times. This makes it fairly difficult to make sound choices and decisions. But, we have the Word of God that speaks directly to this. We must be mindful and trusting in God that His Will is the truth and our Light to shine our path out of any darkness that we may encounter.

Also, for those who seek, desire, make or need confirmation (I suppose I'm one because I found this scripture after reading this first one), John 1:3 basically says that everything is created through Him, so I suppose it only makes sense that when we feel lost, worried or may have important decisions to make, we should seek God with all of our heart.

One of my best friends told me that even though he is a Man of the Cloth, he is still a man. He told me that he still makes mistakes, he still falls short but his faith is with God. Now, this is not an excuse for anyone to do wrong…it is, however, an example of the reality of man. We are not perfect, but God's Grace & Mercy is everlasting.

I chose to share this because someone may need a little push or some confirmation with things that are going on in your life. I hope this helps…maybe I'll write more later…

Steadfast in My Position

Another day is gone, another impact attempt made.
It's all for the good of the world and my world is
brighter because I'm making an effort. There are
times where I take "nothing" and make it into
"something"...this is called a "teachable moment". In
order to do such a miraculous feat, I had to pay
attention and be aware of the opportunity. And I
do this everyday I enter my workplace...

I am a soldier on the front line of a war between

the minds of the youth and the cold, heartless

world in which they will be propelled...hopefully

after they earn a high school diploma. Please do not

confuse this statement with an assumption that I

believe that a high school diploma is all the education

that is needed. I am a supporter of higher learning.

In addition, I am an opponent of classroom disruptions--

anything that impedes the ability of anyone from

learning. Sadly there are too many to count or name or

to effectively work around or through in some learning

environments. Still, I am steadfast in my position and I

wear my uniform proudly...

I am a teacher.
I am a psychologist.
I am an investigator.
I am an interpreter.
I am a facilitator.
I am a hustler.
I am a teacher.

I am a realist.
I am a truth seeking, eyes wide open clean slate.

I am impressionable.

I am immovable.
I am determined.
I am a man with hope, desires and aspirations.
I am a dream come true for my ancestors.
I am remarkable.
I am a problem solver.
I am a mediator.
I am a poet, storyteller and comedian.
I am a teacher.

I am an iron fist.

I am a comforter.

I am a reluctant friend.
I am passionate.
I am fearless.
I am motivated.
I am reliable.
I am a motivator.
I am a fire starter.
I am a teacher.

I am angry.
I am sad.
I am disappointed.
I am loving.
I am caring.
I am daring.
I am the blame for things out of my control.
I am excited.
I am Fired Up! Ready to Go! (Thanks President Obama)
I am an observer.
I am a leader.
I am a lifetime learner.
I am an invaluable commodity.
I am more than I will ever know...
I am a teacher.

Free

The following expression of ideas is an interpretation of
what it feels like to live in the mind of a someone
who's thoughts race a thousand miles a minute.
What others would interpret as
chaotic, I experience as a state of peace in my mind.

Swimming in my frame of mind, my words align me,
Freeing up the space in my mind--
my mind being free; Living in this place and time,
the solitude of my mind, Freeing up my space--
I'm being me...

I created my creative creativeness,
Never the less, and least of all my living has never been limited,
Focused on what really didn't make sense
Like making sense out of what will wake you;
I began my adventures, I've invented different ways to venture through the waves--
I am a cruise ship.

Over paved roads, rocky, muddy, stormy or hazy,
Contemplating this emancipation, maybe I'm being too heavy--
I move steady,
Slow is just an opinion-an optimistic observation of ocular interpretation...
Playstations aren't the cause but effect of the box,
Not imitating art, not representing anything except what its not--reality.

My minds creating an abundance of what not to say;
Pull me back to the basic like patches on a quilt,
Place me to the side and see what my history built,
I'm looking to the side and see what I built--a legacy.

Maybe Not...

Is love at first sight actually possible? How can you be in tune with someone just by sight? One glance or extended gaze upon the physical attributes of a person and it's a done deal? Maybe not...

But what if you have had some of the most stimulating conversations, where there are jokes, laughs, and the exchange of ideas on topics such as politics, education, freedom, and ethnicity. Then, when you are finally able to be with that person, you look at them and find yourself
looking deep into his/her eyes and you are overwhelmed with emotion. Is that considered love
at first sight? Maybe not....

What if you've known a person for some time...not really known but have been acquainted. And one day you look at them and realize that they are the most beautifulest (my word, no applause please, thank u) person you have ever known, inside and out. Is that love at first sight? Maybe not...

Is it just some phrase that we use to describe a great hope of what we may want from that person or merely a misdiagnosis of human lust and illogical rationale as the result of the limitations of the human mind? Maybe not...

Preparation

As with any new endeavor, there is a consistent key element

that allows the margin for error to be reduced or eliminated.

This key element is preparation. Preparation (per my own

personal definition) is the behavior one exhibits before taking

on any task. No matter how large or small, with the right

preparation, a task can be completed with ease and most of

all, efficiency.


During these days and times where time is either elusive or

stagnant, it is clear that the more efficiently time is used the

better. When looking to accomplish a specific task, one that

is fueled by a great passion, preparation, in respect of time,

would seem to be an important aspect of insuring success.

In 1 Chronicles 22:5, we see these words recorded:

David said, My son Solomon is still young and inexperienced.

And since the Temple to be built for the Lord must be a

magnificent structure, famous and glorious throughout the

world, I will begin making preparations for it now." So David

collected vast amounts of building materials before his death.


In this text we see that before a greatness can be achieved,

preparation is needed. David decided to collect the materials

so that his son would be prepared for this privileged task.

As we aspire to achieve large or lofty goals,

as we aspire to do "the impossible", as we aspire to do something

amazing, as we aspire for greatness, we must understand and

accept that this reality: the greater the goal, the more time and

preparation is needed. David's vision of greatness would be

fulfilled not by him, but by his son. David's hard work, his fighting

of the wars, his direction and leadership which was governed

by the Will of God, was all in preparation for a task that would

not be completed until his son came to power. But David

proclaimed, "I will begin making preparations for it now".

David had a plan. David didn't want to procrastinate. He didn't

want to leave all of the work up to his son Solomon. He didn't

want to waste a second of "his time" in respect to getting this

task completed.

In conclusion, there is a quote in my classroom that reads,

"High Expectations Requires High Patience". At first, this was

meant to inspire the students but as the school year progressed,

I found myself referring to this message for my own encouragement.

When we aspire for greatness, whether within ourselves or others,

we must respect the fact that patience and time are key ingredients

in the recipe of preparation. Preparation is a key ingredient in the

recipe for success. So, if we are aspiring to achieve this year,

we must remember to prepare.