As It Arrives

Painting pictures of the obvious in a
not-so-obvious way is sometimes more
challenging than creating an original piece
of art. This is my attempt at doing just that.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon skin that lacks moisture,
Revealing traces of joints, evidence of use,
Lips begin to crack, split and scream in silence.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon hips, knees, shoulders...
Revealing traces of sacrifice, deliberate for love;
Eyes begin to run, squint and focus in the present.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon trees that lack the sun's passion,
Revealing traces of experience, the cycle of life;
Leaves begin to brown, bend and retreat in soil.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon water ways, some small and still,
Revealing traces of survival, adaption or migration;
Nature begins to sleep, as it arrives.

Something's Wrong

Communication is key to any relationship's growth.
If you're paying attention, you will know when
something is wrong even if you don't know how to
fix it...

*sigh* She's upset again...

This time I don't have to guess, the catalyst

was my attempted mind-reading, assuming,

yet confusing her venting and non-responses

to my opinions, suggestions, and feelings as

"something's wrong"...



"Something's...missing...and I don't know what it

is...no I...don't know what it is..." ironically fills

the air--my appropriate Ipod Shuffle doing its

art imitating life thing again. "Pfft" is her way

of showing the recognition of the big bright

yellow and orange elephant in the room. So, why

wouldn't I conclude that "something's wrong" when

clearly all signs point to the corner of "Uh Oh".

"There's nothing wrong. I can't talk to you. I just

wanted to vent. I don't need you trying to fix my

problems or fix me. I'm not broken!"

It felt like I had just stepped off of a merry-go-round

and tried to run a few miles on a treadmill...I could

feel the world spinning beneath my feet yet I knew I

was standing still, motionless...confused...angry...

"I don't try to do anything but show you I care. Why would

you stop venting? Because I share a concern, proving I

was paying attention and feel a certain kind of way about

your plight? That's how I genuinely show I care for you!

That's the most authentic expression of caring that I know!"

Her reply: I have nothing else to say.

My inner voice: Something's wrong...

I Began to Fall

This is my interpretation of how to find the bright side
of what appears to be a bleak situation. It's an act that
I continue to work towards, for we all have dark times
where we begin to fall...yet with the right focus...we
can begin to see the light.

Tomorrow is Monday...ALREADY?! I can feel my smile
retreating into its foxhole. My smile's reign of glee was as
triumphant as a raging bull tossing a novice rider. The
majestic power proclaiming its dominance seemed to have
an infinite source...until Sunday evening arrived. Much
like reality as it shatters dreams, the fantasies of youth
crushed by iron rods or steel beams, fate stepped foot
upon the shores of my laugh lines and I...began...to...fall...

Tomorrow is Monday...ALREADY?! My motivating
aspirations struggled tirelessly upon the cliffs of happiness
but as the sun began to fall, the wind began to swirl and
moisture fell upon the soil like quarters and nickels
cracking floors. It was obvious...the more effort I
released, the faster time was corrupted, mutating actions into
exercises in futility. The well-rested feeling I claimed
has now been captured by the sub-plot of my
prime time series...that was doing quite well in the ratings
might I add...but alas...I...began...to...fall...

Tomorrow is Monday...BUT before I go to sleep, I hear
a song I have known all my life, yet the name has always
eluded me. It has the beat of my heart, the words have
always been the same...it sings an invitation to my mind
to retreat into the bliss of my internal glow, the one part of
me that knows the destiny that awaits me. AND...after
Monday...I will be one moment closer to that peace I once
had. So, with this thought...I...willingly...begin...to...fall...

Upside Down, Inside Out

This is an expression of one's embrace of
a chaotic world. Taking ownership of
one's circumstances is not an easy task, but once
this has been done, something interesting happens...

There is a hole forming deep within my chest,
from the inside out;
At first I thought of it as an adverse food reaction,
trapped in an unwanted place;
I admit I didn't foresee the potential impact,
my world turning upside down.

As the frequency increased, so did my awareness,
centered around my heart;
If I had known, I would not be in this position now,
regrets affect perception;
I began feeling lost, attempting to trace the source,
overlooking the obvious;
The hole's size increases with each moment,
sadness, motivation, restlessness, inspiration sets in...

My emotions are now worn as sleeves, sweaters and coats,
hoping all that is seen is my protective attire;
My song and dance must go on until I rectify this matter,
secrets affect perception;
Asking for help would be revealing my treasure,
safeguard it at all costs;
This hole is a now a part of me that I am intent on filling,
my time is coming soon!

My Shoes

Sometimes when I see celebrities or public
figures on TV or online, I wonder what
really goes through their minds. Life in
the spotlight for someone who only wanted
to do what they loved must be a challenge.
The popular author, Sean Carter wrote,
"People say I've changed, but why would
I work this hard to stay the same?"

I never asked to be this sort of infamous,
iconic entity that you usually hear about
in a legend or folktale. I never asked to
have my name abused for pickup lines
or a stimulus for empathy. I never asked
for pedestals to be placed all around me
so that the only way I could move was to
take that step up. I never asked for any
favors, for rules to be bent or broken. I
never asked for any sacrifice to be made
in my name, honor or on my behalf.

Well you might say that although I didn't
ask for these things, I didn't refuse them either.
Contrary to popular belief I have refused more
than anyone could ever imagine. You might say
that it was my choice to have my life take the
turns it has, from the choices I made. You might
say that a person as knowledgeable as myself
clearly knew the consequences of my choices.
You might say that anyone would trade places
with me on any day, because the positives of
my life have to outweigh the challenges and
possible negatives that may come because of
who I am. You might say that I have no right
to feel any emotion other than appreciation. You
might say that...but I would politely disagree.

Until you have walked in my shoes; until you have
been placed in situations where no decision is a good
one for anyone else other than yourself; until you
have the opportunity to seek out your dreams but
have the possibility of losing everything you hold
dear; unless you are me...you can't say a thing...but
then again...by me stating this, I have become a
hypocrite of my own beliefs. For I have never worn
anyone else's shoes...and why should I, mine aren't
always a comfortable fit; but at least I know they are
mine...

What I'm Trying to Say

I recall times where I found it difficult to choose the right
words to express myself in conversations. I experience
strong and passionate emotions and when the
time comes to convey a message, passion begins to fade
into aggression and the intentions are misunderstood.
This is a poetic example of the process of choosing my
words to convey a certain message.

I'm yelling at the top of my lungs
but I still can't get it out;
It's like I'm screaming for no reason,
distortion's coming from my mouth.

I have something for the entire world to hear,
but my enlightenment is like another language
without a Rosetta Stone to make it clear. It's not like
my intentions are to speak in coded passages; my passions
come from deep in my within--the rage of a savage, being
navigated by emotions, that flow strong, the roaring rapids--
I fear if I get caught up in the current, there's no telling what
would happen...but it's pulling at my soul, this must be
my call to action.

An arsonist appeals to me at times, because the work
of destruction turns something into nothing but
it makes room for almost anything--dreams, fantasies--
possible improvements to the quality of life--reconstruction;
supplying a clean slate for the imagination. It would save me
the trouble of rupturing my voice box, and would save the world
from trying to decipher the coded language of my heart.

So, as the match became my pen and my words ignited this page,
I transformed into an arsonist, clearing the slate for my inception--
creating endless opportunities for the ideas like the one in quotes
below to inspire and motivate the minds of many:

"Don't allow anyone to take your joy!"

All it takes is a spark, then the fire will begin to rage, and
the passion that I tried to yell out earlier will finally be conveyed.

Radical Change, Installment #1

I can imagine that before you decide to become
a villain or superhero, thoughts like the
ones below must occur in your mind before
embarking on such a perilous journey. The
terms villain and superhero are used loosely...

I am ready to leave. Never before in my life
have I been so committed to one idea...the
idea of leaving; going, moving, beginning,
ending, improving, growing, changing...radically.

I am ready to leave. There has to be a reason
why I feel so out of place, so unevenly yoked
with the world around me, so at odds with my
own world of wondrous vision, so stagnated by
my immobility; and the only answer that my
heart and mind can or will agree upon is the
aforementioned five word sentence that began
this revelation.

I am ready to leave. When I exit a conversation
or the presence of others, there is not a single
inclination to say, "good-bye"...
To me, its implication is I do not plan on
seeing or talking to you again. Yet, lately, I have
begun fighting the urge to finalize conversations,
interactions, unedited works, projects, or other
tasks just so I can remove myself from what I
know as my world with a clear conscious. I want to feel
that all is well with my affairs, so that the radical change I
feel I desperately need is unconditionally welcomed
by every part of my being.

I am ready to leave. Never before, in my life,
have I been so committed to one idea; never before
has anything been so clear...

My life, as I know it, is over...
and a radical change must begin.

I am ready...

Treating Myself

I'm going out tonight,
dinner and a movie...
scratch that;

I'm going out this evening,
Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
hmmm wait;

I'm going out this afternoon,
late lunch, Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
better yet;

I'm going out today,
Ihop, GameStop, BestBuy...
late lunch, stroll through some stores,
Barnes & Noble, dinner and a movie...
Popcorn, Twizzlers and a mixed ICEE.

I'm going out...treating myself...
because if I don't...who will?

Cut While Shaving

This morning I cut myself shaving...yes...a 33-year-old man
cut himself shaving. It's not like I'm a novice to this art of
image enhancement but alas, the razor parted the skin on
the lower right side of my jaw, adjacent to my chin, making
my goatee uniquely shaped (I think I like it!). As soon
as it happened I knew, just as anyone knows because I felt it.
I felt the razor glide across my skin, removing stubble and
skin in one even stroke.

As I continued shaving (because what
man actually stops shaving because he has cut himself),
my mind raced back to the beginning of my shaving process,
retracing the steps I took, and then analyzing the technique
I chose to employ to alleviate my face of the community of
black tops that began to emerge last night. I immediately
recognized the flaw of implementation. My flaw is one that is not
uncommon to us, men and women, who choose to remove
the shade from our skin...I pressed too hard with the razor.

Once I felt my skin part, my technique change and I began
to pay closer attention to my stroke, the strength I used to press
the blade upon my skin, and my intentions for this activity. I bring
up my intention because no one plans or expects to cut themselves.
True, it doesn't surprise the trimmers of the world when
it occurs* but the feelings are still the same when it does happen...
discomfort, disappointment, concern, peace in clarity, and if the cut is
deep enough, sometimes we feel pain.

I write all of this to say that there are times in our lives that we
attempt to shave, trim or plainly cut things, thoughts or people
out of our lives. Once we begin, we choose our tool of choice--some
of us use a single blade while others enjoy two or more blades with
a moisturizing strip (I'm a double blade with strip man myself).
Then, we use our tool of choice and the process appears relatively
simple and pleasant...until...we get cut or we cut ourselves...
meaning we have something happen that is unexpected
(possibly predictable because we know it can happen*)
and we must immediately adjust our technique by
analyzing our technique and intent of implementation. While we
reassess, we can and should continue even though there may be
discomfort, concern, disappointment, and sometimes pain. Regardless
of the initial feelings, there is always a peace in clarity that arrives
and we are better people for the experience.

We shave or cut things, thoughts or people out of our lives because
we know it's what we need in order to be happy and content with
ourselves. Everyone should be at peace with themselves and sometimes
the only way to do that is to clear the shaded areas of our lives.