Withholding information, lying by omission, or just plain fabricating and creating a grand tale of epic proportions can actually be justified when the act serves is derived from a genuine expression of selflessness. More often than not, we are not so lucky to have such acts performed that are not spawned from ulterior motives. In such cases, it is clear that divulging truthful statements, no matter the harsh realities they may reveal, is one of the best ways to express your love for another. This isn’t to say or suggest that tactless rants of criticism should be spewed at a moment’s notice. It is, however, encouragement for the promotion of efficient and effective communication. Holding back or refusing to share helpful information can be far more damaging to a relationship than giving constructive criticism. Be mindful that some people, actually, most people may not be open to or welcome criticism because of their ego, and that’s perfectly normal. With this in mind, constructing thoughtful, genuine and tactful messages is the key to sharing thoughts that may be intended to help but may be taken as criticism.
Growing up, my family was infamous (and still is) for “telling it like it is.” My grandmother would tell often remind everyone, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.” When you’re young, priceless jewels like these are challenging to appreciate. Once you’ve lived and experienced life, you learn how simple statements like these apply to many situations. In regards to this topic, offering your opinion out of love, concern and genuine affection from someone is what some call Tough Love. This type of love allows parents to tell their children “you stink, go wash” or a friend to offer another a stick of gum or a wife to suggest to her husband not to wear those some tight khakis that are too revealing.
On the flip side of this, holding back on expressing how you feel can be just as damaging, if not more. When you hold in emotions, it transforms into stress and after a while your body will adjust and you won’t even realize you’re stressed. Your actions may be a tad off and those close to you may recognize. As time passes and more stress is added to your life, it will begin to manifest itself in different ways life loss of libido, emotional breakdowns, uncontrollable fits of anxiety and possibly depression. Not to be Donald Downer but these examples are real. Also, holding back Tough Love and emotions could make matters worse for your loved one. For example, if your mate is a bad cook they invite their boss over for dinner, this could be disastrous. Your mate’s boss may be very forthcoming about his/her experience with the badly prepared meal. This could place you in a bad light because you could’ve saved your loved one this embarrassment, which usually hurts more than a Tough Love statement.
Lastly, if you do decide to give Tough Love, be sure you have helpful suggestions or options for correcting the situation or suggestions to go about finding a solution. Criticizing without offering guidance or a helping hand to improve is futile, and honestly, something a selfish person would do. As the late, great Michael Jackson displayed, make Tough Love expressions “with love.” So, with that in mind, please remember, there are many ways to express love. Tough Love is better than No Love. Now, don’t go out into the world and get beat up because your not tactful. Be cautious and patient when determining how and when to express Tough Love. If you’re not sure how to be tactful, write your thoughts down and read them out loud to yourself. Imagine someone is saying those things to you. Then, be sure to insert phrases like, “I’m saying this out of love so please hear me out” and “forgive me if this comes off as mean because it is not my intention.” Finally, brace yourself because when you give a little Tough Love, you may receive a lot in return.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
It's Your Choice
Each day I wake up, I have a routine that I like to follow. This routine prepares me for the day and helps me to get into a positive state of mind. I read a devotional that is sent to me via email and it always has a Bible verse at the end. Then, I read the entire chapter in the Bible where the verse came from. One thing my parents taught me was to read what happens before and after a verse you come in contact. Verses can be interpreted in different ways so it’s important to see the context it was originally written. This isn’t to say that any interpretation is right or wrong. For me, it gives me clarity and a better understanding of how to apply it to my life. Lastly, I like to read some positive quotes that I get via email as well.
Once I’ve meditated on these words from others, I create my own words of wisdom, inspiration or motivation to share with the world. I share my words in hopes to help others have better days. I experience tough times just like anyone else, more than what I’d like admit. It’s always good to have a cheering section to encourage you and push you forward. For those who don’t, I hope that my words can find their way into those who need it. These are just some of the things I do to spread love in a world where negativity is promoted more than anything else. What do you do to stay positive or to be a positive light for those around you?
Being positive isn’t always easy, but making the choice should be.
Once I’ve meditated on these words from others, I create my own words of wisdom, inspiration or motivation to share with the world. I share my words in hopes to help others have better days. I experience tough times just like anyone else, more than what I’d like admit. It’s always good to have a cheering section to encourage you and push you forward. For those who don’t, I hope that my words can find their way into those who need it. These are just some of the things I do to spread love in a world where negativity is promoted more than anything else. What do you do to stay positive or to be a positive light for those around you?
Being positive isn’t always easy, but making the choice should be.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Life Lesson: Shell Shocked
For those who grew up spending a lot of time with your grandparents, you know that from time to time, they drop some serious knowledge on you, when you least expect it. My grandfather, on my dad’s side, had a knack of making profound statements that hit me later in life. Once, when I was 7 years old, he asked me to help him with the “kooda” (that’s a large turtle or tortoise for those who don’t know). Now, we grew up with all types of farm animals: chickens, deer, pigs, cows, rabbits, fish, etc. so this wasn’t anything new to me.
Well, I was very excited and jumped at the chance to help out. I followed my grandfather to his pickup truck and helped him get a bucket off the back. Inside was the “kooda” and it was still alive. We walked over to a large chopping block. My grandfather took the “kooda” out of the bucket and sat it on this large piece of wood.
He told me, “When I tell you, hold that stick out with both hands in front of the shell. He’s gonnabe quick so don’t jump. His head is gonna jump out and he’s gonna snap down on the stick. When he does, just hold it steady and pull back slowly.”
As I found a stick for the task, I noticed that my grandfather had a screwdriver in his hand but I didn’t put two and two together. When it was time, I held the stick out in front of me and a few seconds later…SNAP! The turtle head sprung from its shell and grabbed the stick.
I was so happy and excited I was almost screaming to the top of my lungs, “Granddaddy! I got’em! I got’em!”
“Pull back just a lil’bit…a lil’bit more…” my grandfather told me as he walked to me slowly.
THUNK! The sound of metal going through wood echoed in my ears. When I looked down, I was shocked to see the screwdriver pierced through the neck of the turtle, down into the chopping block where it was sitting.
My grandfather, baffled by the shock in my face asked, “What did you think we were doing? Playing with him? We don’t play with our food.”
I let go of the stick and watched as my grandfather chopped the head off of the “kooda.” My memory fads after this but I’m sure he removed the turtle from its shell and took it into the house for my grandmother to prepare for dinner. Although this experience was shocking, it taught me some valuable lessons. Over the years, I have grown to appreciate and apply these lessons to my life.
Looking back, I can see three ways this story can be applied to everyday life.
1. Know what you’re getting yourself into. Just because you want to spend time with someone or you really want to participate in an activity, be sure you know what it all entails. Too many times in life we let our emotions hinder intellectual judgment, or at the very least, skew our perceptions of reality.
2. Don’t play with your food. When you’re an adult, you have to look out for the essentials in life: food, shelter and clothing. Playing with your food means jeopardizing one of those things. Also, sometimes necessary actions must be taken in order for you and your family to eat. You may not want to do certain jobs or sacrifice certain things but at the end of the day, food, shelter and clothing are most important.
3. Everything has its purpose. We should be thankful for the food we eat, for the people in our lives and the abilities that we acquire. A universal respect for all living things, for all experiences is necessary to live a balanced life.
WorthyWords: Appreciate your Life, your Gifts, your Abilities & Talents. It's a slap in the face of those who have less than you.
Well, I was very excited and jumped at the chance to help out. I followed my grandfather to his pickup truck and helped him get a bucket off the back. Inside was the “kooda” and it was still alive. We walked over to a large chopping block. My grandfather took the “kooda” out of the bucket and sat it on this large piece of wood.
He told me, “When I tell you, hold that stick out with both hands in front of the shell. He’s gonnabe quick so don’t jump. His head is gonna jump out and he’s gonna snap down on the stick. When he does, just hold it steady and pull back slowly.”
As I found a stick for the task, I noticed that my grandfather had a screwdriver in his hand but I didn’t put two and two together. When it was time, I held the stick out in front of me and a few seconds later…SNAP! The turtle head sprung from its shell and grabbed the stick.
I was so happy and excited I was almost screaming to the top of my lungs, “Granddaddy! I got’em! I got’em!”
“Pull back just a lil’bit…a lil’bit more…” my grandfather told me as he walked to me slowly.
THUNK! The sound of metal going through wood echoed in my ears. When I looked down, I was shocked to see the screwdriver pierced through the neck of the turtle, down into the chopping block where it was sitting.
My grandfather, baffled by the shock in my face asked, “What did you think we were doing? Playing with him? We don’t play with our food.”
I let go of the stick and watched as my grandfather chopped the head off of the “kooda.” My memory fads after this but I’m sure he removed the turtle from its shell and took it into the house for my grandmother to prepare for dinner. Although this experience was shocking, it taught me some valuable lessons. Over the years, I have grown to appreciate and apply these lessons to my life.
Looking back, I can see three ways this story can be applied to everyday life.
1. Know what you’re getting yourself into. Just because you want to spend time with someone or you really want to participate in an activity, be sure you know what it all entails. Too many times in life we let our emotions hinder intellectual judgment, or at the very least, skew our perceptions of reality.
2. Don’t play with your food. When you’re an adult, you have to look out for the essentials in life: food, shelter and clothing. Playing with your food means jeopardizing one of those things. Also, sometimes necessary actions must be taken in order for you and your family to eat. You may not want to do certain jobs or sacrifice certain things but at the end of the day, food, shelter and clothing are most important.
3. Everything has its purpose. We should be thankful for the food we eat, for the people in our lives and the abilities that we acquire. A universal respect for all living things, for all experiences is necessary to live a balanced life.
WorthyWords: Appreciate your Life, your Gifts, your Abilities & Talents. It's a slap in the face of those who have less than you.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Purgatory of Decision-Making
Being calm in chaotic situations
Challenges your concentration
To maintain a heightened level
Of patience for an unknown
Amount of time. As you observe
The world around you, take
Plenty of notes. Allow yourself
To feel the rhythm of destruction;
See the entrance of irony and the
Departure of Fear; Hear the
Harmony of a world that’s
Tumbling down, just to be built
Up again; Embrace the
Lost and Found--the purgatory
Of Decision-Making. This is
The opportunity to choose your
Own adventure, without the
Option of looking ahead to see
If your choice is the one you
Want to keep. The stakes may be
High, causing years of recovery,
If you do not choose wisely...
This is the dilemma and thrill
Of a Game Changer—a choice in time
Where Destiny is in the eye of the
Beholder; Where Fate is in the Hands
Of the Novice, wishing to earn battle scars;
The proof of maturity; the evidence of
Faith in oneself, in the chosen path
Where leaders are created.
Challenges your concentration
To maintain a heightened level
Of patience for an unknown
Amount of time. As you observe
The world around you, take
Plenty of notes. Allow yourself
To feel the rhythm of destruction;
See the entrance of irony and the
Departure of Fear; Hear the
Harmony of a world that’s
Tumbling down, just to be built
Up again; Embrace the
Lost and Found--the purgatory
Of Decision-Making. This is
The opportunity to choose your
Own adventure, without the
Option of looking ahead to see
If your choice is the one you
Want to keep. The stakes may be
High, causing years of recovery,
If you do not choose wisely...
This is the dilemma and thrill
Of a Game Changer—a choice in time
Where Destiny is in the eye of the
Beholder; Where Fate is in the Hands
Of the Novice, wishing to earn battle scars;
The proof of maturity; the evidence of
Faith in oneself, in the chosen path
Where leaders are created.
Monday, July 25, 2011
A Bad Thing? Not Really
My dad is a pretty complex man;
that doesn't mean that I don't
understand him. It just means that
to understand him you have to do
a little more work than just listening...
I imagine I inherited this characteristic
honestly and it's taken years for me
to accept the fact that only a few people
in my entire life will ever "get me." One
day, my dad revealed an observation of
my character that I didn't understand at
first, but with time, it became resoundingly
clear and supported by the Word of God.
"Son, you have a big heart...and that’s not a
bad thing…but one day, it's gonna get you
in trouble. You won't understand why
because you will in the midst of the storm,
and once the dust settles, you will see that you
won't be able to do anything about the mess
around you." Of course I was concerned
about this revelation that was given to me,
but more importantly, I wondered how was
having a big heart ever considered “a bad
thing?” My dad reminded me of Joseph
and his brothers. In Genesis, Chapter 37,
Joseph was envied by his brothers because
Joseph was the “favorite son” of their dad.
Joseph didn’t see his favor and loved his
brothers still, so much that he wanted to
share his dreams with them. When he did,
they hated him even more.
The lessons of this story can be unpacked into
several life lessons, but I’m going to focus on
one. You can’t please everyone. Like my dad
told me, having a big heart isn’t bad, but trying
to please everyone is impossible. Despite my
best efforts, I couldn’t please everyone
and the person who was hurt the most
was me. I couldn’t figure out why my efforts
weren’t accepted or understood. Finally, I
realized that it wasn’t for me to try to please
anyone but God. Also, I needed to focus on what
was best for me, not with selfish or evil intent,
but for the welfare of my future. Sooner or later,
decisions that are made will hurt those you love
(missing you when you go away to school, you
choose a career you love vs. the one they think
you should have, etc). The trick is to accept it
and pray that those you love, love you the same
and will support you.
that doesn't mean that I don't
understand him. It just means that
to understand him you have to do
a little more work than just listening...
I imagine I inherited this characteristic
honestly and it's taken years for me
to accept the fact that only a few people
in my entire life will ever "get me." One
day, my dad revealed an observation of
my character that I didn't understand at
first, but with time, it became resoundingly
clear and supported by the Word of God.
"Son, you have a big heart...and that’s not a
bad thing…but one day, it's gonna get you
in trouble. You won't understand why
because you will in the midst of the storm,
and once the dust settles, you will see that you
won't be able to do anything about the mess
around you." Of course I was concerned
about this revelation that was given to me,
but more importantly, I wondered how was
having a big heart ever considered “a bad
thing?” My dad reminded me of Joseph
and his brothers. In Genesis, Chapter 37,
Joseph was envied by his brothers because
Joseph was the “favorite son” of their dad.
Joseph didn’t see his favor and loved his
brothers still, so much that he wanted to
share his dreams with them. When he did,
they hated him even more.
The lessons of this story can be unpacked into
several life lessons, but I’m going to focus on
one. You can’t please everyone. Like my dad
told me, having a big heart isn’t bad, but trying
to please everyone is impossible. Despite my
best efforts, I couldn’t please everyone
and the person who was hurt the most
was me. I couldn’t figure out why my efforts
weren’t accepted or understood. Finally, I
realized that it wasn’t for me to try to please
anyone but God. Also, I needed to focus on what
was best for me, not with selfish or evil intent,
but for the welfare of my future. Sooner or later,
decisions that are made will hurt those you love
(missing you when you go away to school, you
choose a career you love vs. the one they think
you should have, etc). The trick is to accept it
and pray that those you love, love you the same
and will support you.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Staying Positive
Some say the brighter side of life
Ain't worth seeing, so when you
See me smiling, know I did not
believe'em; You see, I always chose
The roads with less pavement, the
Paths with more gravel; Grass and
Dirt ensured the way would be much
Narrow.
My focus on heights, sparrows
Weren't the only catch of my eye;
There are eagles who taught their
young the foundations of flights;
I...without sight, chose wisdom as
my guiding light; focused on its
Lighthouse, doused in pain, passion
And pressure, to weather any "whatever"
The present may bring; realizing the
Future ain't meant to be seen.
Still I dream...still I desire...for more;
My life demands soreness, the
Results of relentless determination;
Driven through frustration, my talent is
Nothing if I...only dream...if I only
Desire...for more...the world needs what
I have...in...store...I...just need...to walk
Through the door.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
If Not For Adversity...
When I was young and began to speak
in full sentences, it was clear
my mind functioned on a heightened
level of consciousness. So many
thoughts, ideas, and concepts were
developing and maturing at an
extremely high rate...faster
than my brain could control my muscles
to speak...and so...without notice, in the
excitement of having fully formed
thoughts to express and contribute
to any conversation, I began to stutter.
My family and I worked diligently to
improve my speech impediment.
And now, I'm an educator...having logged
countless hours of public speaking in
undergraduate and graduate classes
and extra curricular activities.
By the time I was 6 years old, my
parents divorced; our family as I knew
it was over. Maybe it was my youth
that enabled me to create certain
realities or distortions of reality over
the years, but as the curtain rose, the
smoke cleared, and the dust settled,
my days and nights over the years
blended together as a dark blur of
time that I have difficulty, as an adult,
to remember vaguely. Ironically, when
giving advice or looking for words to
inspire students, friends, family or loved
ones, I feel a fire of passion that I'm
sure burns from the same place that
helped me through those blurred years.
Upon reflection as an adult, it is safe to
conclude that the dynamics of every
relationship I have ever attempted
have been directly affected by
those years of blurred thoughts and
experiences. To explain this to
a young lady I haven't known for an
extended time was inconceivable, thus
creating a cycle of heartache,
headache and sleep deprivation. As
a man approaching his mid 30's, I
have achieved and received clarity
on many issues that have plagued,
construed and Blessed my life, yet,
I'm wise enough to know that I still
have much to learn.
I consistently make conscious
efforts to maintain and increase a
positive mind frame and a vibrant
beat of hope in my heart. I do this
because this is how I want to live,
so this is how I choose to live. I accept
Adversity as an ally, not an
Adversary. If not for adversity,
how would we learn,
grow and become better?
in full sentences, it was clear
my mind functioned on a heightened
level of consciousness. So many
thoughts, ideas, and concepts were
developing and maturing at an
extremely high rate...faster
than my brain could control my muscles
to speak...and so...without notice, in the
excitement of having fully formed
thoughts to express and contribute
to any conversation, I began to stutter.
My family and I worked diligently to
improve my speech impediment.
And now, I'm an educator...having logged
countless hours of public speaking in
undergraduate and graduate classes
and extra curricular activities.
By the time I was 6 years old, my
parents divorced; our family as I knew
it was over. Maybe it was my youth
that enabled me to create certain
realities or distortions of reality over
the years, but as the curtain rose, the
smoke cleared, and the dust settled,
my days and nights over the years
blended together as a dark blur of
time that I have difficulty, as an adult,
to remember vaguely. Ironically, when
giving advice or looking for words to
inspire students, friends, family or loved
ones, I feel a fire of passion that I'm
sure burns from the same place that
helped me through those blurred years.
Upon reflection as an adult, it is safe to
conclude that the dynamics of every
relationship I have ever attempted
have been directly affected by
those years of blurred thoughts and
experiences. To explain this to
a young lady I haven't known for an
extended time was inconceivable, thus
creating a cycle of heartache,
headache and sleep deprivation. As
a man approaching his mid 30's, I
have achieved and received clarity
on many issues that have plagued,
construed and Blessed my life, yet,
I'm wise enough to know that I still
have much to learn.
I consistently make conscious
efforts to maintain and increase a
positive mind frame and a vibrant
beat of hope in my heart. I do this
because this is how I want to live,
so this is how I choose to live. I accept
Adversity as an ally, not an
Adversary. If not for adversity,
how would we learn,
grow and become better?
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