What Does It Mean

Regardless of what it is, any decision of significance
has consequences. These consequences may affect you
indirectly but will directly affect someone you hold dear.

Is that the price of happiness? Success? Finding your dreams?

Placing passion over people, passion over reason (in some cases)
and passion over love, may very well be the ultimate
sacrifice for what you want.

Is that the price your willing to pay for happiness? Success?
Achieving your dreams?

A dream deferred immediately becomes it's polar opposite...
a nightmare...a haunting reality that plagues the mind with
such questions as What if? How come? If only? Could there
have been?

So when you hear the statements "Follow your dreams" or
"Do what makes you happy"; what do these statements really mean?
Are you being told to prepare to sacrifice almost everything to
achieve your goals? Are you being told that the only way you
can follow your dreams is by making a choice or a series of choices
that will ultimately end with someone you care about being hurt...
Even if the hurt is unintentional or only lasts for a limited amount
of time, would it be worth it to you?

Think about it...doesn't everyone successful person
have regrets? Do your research...YouTube some videos...look at
their facial expressions during interviews...watch TMZ...public figures
or people who are labeled as those who have sought out and either are
achieving or have achieved their dreams, give up a lot because of their
achievements, regardless of their level of wealth.

Everyone deserves to be happy and to have peace of mind.
Everyone may not fully understand that it may come at a price.
What price are you willing to pay?

Unforseen Emotion

The hardest thing I've ever done was
_______________. I told myself I
would never do that again. For a few years
I stayed true to my word until
I made an even harder decision. How could I
allow you to _______? Why would
I think this would be ok for us? Why would I
think this would be ok for me?! I'm clearly
not as strong as what you may have hoped
or as I would have liked to be. There is no way
to accurately describe how it feels to be ______
yet I know I can't fill your ears with such thoughts.

You have it hard enough as it is,
dealing with being ____________________. How
selfish would it be to burden you
with my inability or my unwillingness to deal with
the situation I created for us?

Why didn't I just take the blue pill
and leave this so-called reality behind
and enter into the real world, our new world?
No cameras, no plot driven non-script...
just us...being...

My Mind Is Filled

My mind is filled with memory lanes,
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze,
Bringing to light the darkness that has passed;
Past lives lived as present gifts disappeared...

Slowly...

Steadily...

Purposefully...

Stepping closer to an unknown vacancy filled with
Feelings of expectancy, expecting me to see
A sea of opportunity because what else could
Be there?

What else could await me?

The breast strokes of my best hopes hold on
To helplessness and careless lessons that
Beckon the day of reckoning that makes me
Accept the fact that I, alone, lack what it takes to be the
Man that I need to be, because seeing what I can be
Has been more influential than just being a human
Being in this stagnated enterprise, comprised of fire and ice,
Aggressively grasping the materials needed to make
A foundation strong enough to maintain change...
The only constant consistency within me...change...

The only constant consistency is
Not knowing who I am, yet feeling who I will be with He
Who holds my Trust because I want to trust another to
Be more than just thee...

My mind is filled with memory lanes,
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze that
Brings to me: things, places, people and ideas;
Ideally to heal me because what's real to me--
Ideas I can't see...
Feelings I can't feel...
But the promises I know await me.

My mind is filled with memory lanes
Panes slightly cracked and ajar,
Allowing sunlight and a gentle breeze...
Upon the horizon of promises I know await me.

Excuse Me From Your Reality

This is a conversation…well, part of a conversation I had to have with myself during a time of turmoil in my life. It’s a little animated but, well...I'm a creative thinker and writer...

I’m not really sure how it has gotten to this point. What I do know is that I’m tired. Regardless of your feelings or how life is stressing you, I…ME…I AM TIRED, STRESSED and on some days not even sure who I am other than a mindless drone, going through the motions of life until I can effectively deal with MY LIFE. Yet, for some reason, there is your audacity knocking at my door…your impatience with what I’m doing, with what I need, because your “eye” only sees what you want.

Funny how that works out isn’t it…BUT not as funny as your repetitive manipulation or attempt to change situations to fit your benefit, your dreams or YOUR fantasies. If you like, I can just drop everything and cater to your every wish…maybe then, when I have neglected everything that is important in my life, MAYBE then you will have had your fill of ME and suggest I do some things for myself…after I have wasted time...with YOU.

Too bad you don’t have enough sense to support me or just leave me to my business so that I can take care of my responsibilities. Instead, you throw subliminal jabs when I decline an offer to “chill”, “hang out” or to do anything other than what I need to do. Excuse me and my life…as a matter of fact, PLEASE EXCUSE ME from YOUR reality and I wish you "NOTHING" because obviously that’s what you wish for me.

Dear (Insert Name Here), #3

Dear (To Whom It May Concern) #3:

I have finally decided. I’m going to do it. I knew that if I told you face to face you would try to say something to talk me out of what I have determined is the best way for me to handle this situation. I knew that the look on your face would be imprinted upon my brain and I would never be able to implement, if I may say so, the perfect plan to thrust me into my destiny. Careful consideration has been taken to ensure that I am acting purely on behalf of myself. Now, this may be considered as a selfish act when worded in such a way but believe me, it has taken quite a bit of concentration and focus to empathize with those who may feel a certain kind of way about my decision. Although it may not be a popular choice, it is my choice…and mine alone.

It has taken me 3 months to understand that with anything you do in life, you cannot please everyone. And with decisions that alter our realities, such as, which sport or instrument to play, which guy you will allow to take you to the prom and possibly be your “first”, which college to attend or what career will make you happy but also allow you to live the life that you have envisioned for yourself; these decisions have the potential to hurt your closest friend and break the heart of your one true love. These decisions can disappoint your parents and make you the topic of every family holiday gathering. So, I suppose when you give or read this letter to them, you can let them know that I couldn't give a damn who doesn’t respect my decision or who is hurt by it.

I’ve had to deal with their poor decision-making over the years and I’m sure none of them ever wondered, “Hey, I wonder how _______ would feel if I did or said this?” No! You know what I did get though? Slaps in the face, public ridicule, disrespect, jabs at my self-esteem, taunts, back-handed compliments, a detailed list of my short-comings, too many I told you so statements, and even pros and cons lists that clearly placed me at the top of several totem poles. Yes, the top. The top actually represents the thing that is least important, not the bottom...

I’m tired of being rejected, subjected to mind games and heartless comments followed by “I’m just playing” comments. I’m tired of worrying if I’m good enough for…for anyone! I’m tired of studying for weeks only to earn a C-. I’m tired of cooking, cleaning, serving plates, washing clothes, being reminded of him with almost everything I do! I’m tired of being the one who is always there, the one he can count on, the one who deserves more…I mean seriously…if I deserved more yet we both know you’re giving her those things then obviously I’M NOT WORTH IT TO YOU! So why let that _____ leave your cold lips? I don’t deserve this…any of this…from family to so-called friends to lovers…I don’t need this…

So…I’ve decided…I’ve decided to make the decision to change my reality. At this point, my life is not one to be envied. It is not one that can be a testimony because I have yet to come out of any storm. It is not a life that anyone can learn from because who would be foolish enough to place herself in this position. I feel as helpless as a butterfly with no wings…I have decided to do the only thing that will end all of this…this reality that I have grown to reluctantly accept as my life…I have decided to grow wings…

Obsessive Tendencies

On a recent flight, I was thinking of my future, things I want to do, places I want to see, the usual random thoughts and I came across an important question. Have I always had obsessive tendencies? I used to look at my habits as "the right way of doing things", perseverance or the passion of a perfectionist; at least that's how I saw it as a kid. Now, I may be simply classified as O.C.D., seems like a downgrade from a dynamic personality.

As a kid, my allowances/piggy bank savings were spent on Pac-Man, screaming in a rage if someone bumps me or talks to me, saying silly statements like, "your mom's leaving you." Who cares?! I'm in a groove, it's like the joy stick is an extension of my brain and my hand merely moves so that your feeble minds can comprehend the greatness that is right in front of you. This isn't just a game! It's a challenge! It's a refuge! It's a constant taunt at my ability and intelligence. If my score isn't higher than my previous attempt, I have wasted time, and time is only meant to be spent doing what you love with those that you love but if your love can't over-stand me then I'll just continue doing what I love.

My toy chest was probably the most organized of all of my family & friends. I took great pride in placing each action figure, car or miniature arcade game (Yes they had those. I had Donkey Kong, Q-Bert and PAC Man). I would position each one perfectly so that if someone were to accidentally bump into the chest, none would fall. I could also tell if anyone moved any of my toys by doing this as well. There were 4 shelves on the chest and each shelf would have a theme of figures: He-Man, Star Wars, Transformers and a random shelf that had G.I. Joe and other miscellaneous things on it. I would dust my toys and the shelves at least once a week. Below the shelves was the actual chest. Inside things were in order according to the side of the chest. Each side was for a particular type of toy. Sometimes this area would get a little messy but I could close it so no one could see. My toys were very special to me. To paraphrase the song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, they were my escape into other worlds of pure imagination. What I would see would defy, explanation!

My clothes had to be ironed before I wore them or they just didn't feel right on my body. And of course there is a particular way to iron my clothes. Sleeves need creases, pants and shorts too! My undershirt needed to be wrinkle free as well so that it rested gently on my skin. It wasn't until I was about 25 that I began to force myself not to iron my gym clothes, but I still do sometimes because the color of my t-shirts may have that "bacon neck" thing going as shown in those Jordan Hanes commercials.

So now, with the successes of modern science I was relieved of my "eccentric" label and given a more "appropriate" one, "Slight Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" or "O.C.D." That's not something you can brag about. It's kind of a killjoy actually. Since it's Monday, I will say, "F the diagnosis! I'm just gonnabe eccentric!" That's how my dad describes me anyway! *sticks tongue out here*

Dear (Insert Name Here), #2

Dear (Insert Name Here),

I have thought about all that you said and quite honestly,
you have balls mister! You have never been the
mostly timely I can assure you of that. I'm not sure if this
is a test of my faith or a test of wills but I do not appreciate
being placed in this position at all. Do you know how long
I waited to hear those words from you? Do you know?
Do you?!

There was a time where I would've given anything to hear
you say half of what you told me. I would stay awake at
night praying for God to help me deal with my desires for
you to be a permanent part of my life. I would rack my
brain in search of a reason why things seemed to go wrong
whenever we tried to be together or why it didn't work in
the first place.

I was very patient with you. I even stopped making excuses
for you and began to accept your flaws, just because I wanted
you to look at me the way I looked at you. And when it was
all said and done, I began a long and arduous road to learning
to live without the dream of us. I finally broke out of my
shell and dated. I even talked to you about those girls you
called yourself dating. But through it all, I found one truth
about you that I couldn't escape and had to accept...there is
one thing that always happens when we get close. When the
dust settles, I always find myself in a state of disappointment.

So, not to be rude or inconsiderate of your feelings, because
I do still love you, I am just unsure that I am willing to risk being
disappointed and completely destroyed emotionally again by
taking a chance with you. You are really selfish, did you know
that? All this time and NOW you want to tell me this?!
After all of the work I've done to get myself back on track,
I really want to stay on track. Lauryn Hill said it best, "Loving
you is a battle, and we both end up with scars".

I don't know...I'm going to have to take some time and
think this through because even though he proposed, I told him
that I would need some time. And now that my best friend has
decided he wants to "come clean", my head is spinning. You see,
unlike you, he has yet to disappoint me, unlike you, who seemed
to have mastered that skill.

And that's what I am afraid of. I'm afraid that he
will eventually disappoint me too and then what will I do?
Will I be able to handle it? Will I forgive him? Or will the ghosts
of our past come back to haunt me and ruin my chances at happiness?
Should I give you a chance, knowing what I'm getting myself into,
possibly being disappointed again?

I have a lot to think about now...thanks a lot...