Dear (Insert Name Here), #2

Dear (Insert Name Here),

I have thought about all that you said and quite honestly,
you have balls mister! You have never been the
mostly timely I can assure you of that. I'm not sure if this
is a test of my faith or a test of wills but I do not appreciate
being placed in this position at all. Do you know how long
I waited to hear those words from you? Do you know?
Do you?!

There was a time where I would've given anything to hear
you say half of what you told me. I would stay awake at
night praying for God to help me deal with my desires for
you to be a permanent part of my life. I would rack my
brain in search of a reason why things seemed to go wrong
whenever we tried to be together or why it didn't work in
the first place.

I was very patient with you. I even stopped making excuses
for you and began to accept your flaws, just because I wanted
you to look at me the way I looked at you. And when it was
all said and done, I began a long and arduous road to learning
to live without the dream of us. I finally broke out of my
shell and dated. I even talked to you about those girls you
called yourself dating. But through it all, I found one truth
about you that I couldn't escape and had to accept...there is
one thing that always happens when we get close. When the
dust settles, I always find myself in a state of disappointment.

So, not to be rude or inconsiderate of your feelings, because
I do still love you, I am just unsure that I am willing to risk being
disappointed and completely destroyed emotionally again by
taking a chance with you. You are really selfish, did you know
that? All this time and NOW you want to tell me this?!
After all of the work I've done to get myself back on track,
I really want to stay on track. Lauryn Hill said it best, "Loving
you is a battle, and we both end up with scars".

I don't know...I'm going to have to take some time and
think this through because even though he proposed, I told him
that I would need some time. And now that my best friend has
decided he wants to "come clean", my head is spinning. You see,
unlike you, he has yet to disappoint me, unlike you, who seemed
to have mastered that skill.

And that's what I am afraid of. I'm afraid that he
will eventually disappoint me too and then what will I do?
Will I be able to handle it? Will I forgive him? Or will the ghosts
of our past come back to haunt me and ruin my chances at happiness?
Should I give you a chance, knowing what I'm getting myself into,
possibly being disappointed again?

I have a lot to think about now...thanks a lot...