2010 Reflection

2010 was a roller coaster ride of emotions for me;
lots of tests that challenged my Faith & Patience!
I'm glad I'm chose to endure and not give up. Bold are
reoccurring ideas I have encountered, whether
through others sharing or observations. Italicized
words are reoccurring thoughts I had this past year.

2 Timothy 4:7 says, "I have fought the good fight, I have
finished the race, I have kept the Faith." Now, the thing
I have focused on in my reflections of this past year is the
keeping Faith part. This year has been a constant transition,
for me and those close to me. Sure there have been times
that we have seemingly lacked Faith or given up Hope but,
for some reason we continued to move forward. And
because we did, we now find ourselves at the end of
a year of unexpected and remarkable highs and lows.

It doesn't matter that, at times, it seemed our lows outweighed
our highs. It doesn't matter that it seemed we questioned
things and didn't know if we believed anything positive could
come from a certain situation. It doesn't matter that we feel
we didn't achieve what we wanted to achieve, that we may
have failed at something--possibly a relationship, or that
we're not in the position we wanted to be in. What matters
is that we made it to this day. We made it to the end of
another year.

Everyone has the opportunity to reflect on what has happened
and then, determine how to proceed in the new year. If you're
like me, a lot of things were confirmed or brought to light this
past year. And because of this, there is clarity is certain things
so those paths are clear.

This was also a year of unexpected news and confusion
of the heart, being torn between what I thought was right,
what I felt was right and what I wanted to do. At times,
I had to sit still, and allow time to pass because I didn't have
any clear ideas on how to proceed. As frustrating as those times
were, I can see a lesson I was reluctant to learn and accept.
The one thing I will most certainly take into the new year is that
I am still growing as a man. By accepting this, I accept that
even though mistakes are more costly as I get older,
I may still make them, and I need to be okay with that.
Its okay because I believe I'm fighting a good fight,
and that I'm running a good race...at my own pace.

I hope my readers can say the same, if not now,
then hopefully some day soon. Let's seek out our goals
and go after our dreams, for
"a dream deferred is like a broken-winged bird." - Langston Hughes

In 2011, Be Strong, Be Safe, Be You!

I Don't Know Why

This is a poem written after seeing
an awkward hug between father and son.
I attempted to create a voice of the son who
immediately walks away, trying to rationalize
what just happened...

Seeing hands raises for consequences
morphed my motion sensors overtime;
then one day I cringed when my True
Love pounced towards me in glee...I'm not
super sensitive but that was her reason
for leaving...I don't know why, but
I blamed myself for that.

Reaching out with my heart, I released
the words "I Love You," only to receive a
retreating quick mumble of "I love you too."
I would stare for a bit...wondering was it not
okay to say these words...I'm not super sensitive
but that was the reason I gave myself for
retreating internally...I don't know why, but
I blamed myself for that.

Getting a much needed hug was bittersweet,
for I fought to extend the embrace for a larger
exhale; so many emotions filled me,
I thought I would finally explode with a verbal
expression of how my life was made so much
better from this gesture...but I fought in vain,
for the hug only lasted about the length of a
handshake...He pulled away...from me, it seems--
I'm not super sensitive but that
had to be the reason I set myself up for this
disappointment...I don't know why, but
I blamed myself for that.

As It Arrives

Painting pictures of the obvious in a
not-so-obvious way is sometimes more
challenging than creating an original piece
of art. This is my attempt at doing just that.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon skin that lacks moisture,
Revealing traces of joints, evidence of use,
Lips begin to crack, split and scream in silence.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon hips, knees, shoulders...
Revealing traces of sacrifice, deliberate for love;
Eyes begin to run, squint and focus in the present.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon trees that lack the sun's passion,
Revealing traces of experience, the cycle of life;
Leaves begin to brown, bend and retreat in soil.

As air begins to whisper its minty secrets,
Chanting spells upon water ways, some small and still,
Revealing traces of survival, adaption or migration;
Nature begins to sleep, as it arrives.

Something's Wrong

Communication is key to any relationship's growth.
If you're paying attention, you will know when
something is wrong even if you don't know how to
fix it...

*sigh* She's upset again...

This time I don't have to guess, the catalyst

was my attempted mind-reading, assuming,

yet confusing her venting and non-responses

to my opinions, suggestions, and feelings as

"something's wrong"...



"Something's...missing...and I don't know what it

is...no I...don't know what it is..." ironically fills

the air--my appropriate Ipod Shuffle doing its

art imitating life thing again. "Pfft" is her way

of showing the recognition of the big bright

yellow and orange elephant in the room. So, why

wouldn't I conclude that "something's wrong" when

clearly all signs point to the corner of "Uh Oh".

"There's nothing wrong. I can't talk to you. I just

wanted to vent. I don't need you trying to fix my

problems or fix me. I'm not broken!"

It felt like I had just stepped off of a merry-go-round

and tried to run a few miles on a treadmill...I could

feel the world spinning beneath my feet yet I knew I

was standing still, motionless...confused...angry...

"I don't try to do anything but show you I care. Why would

you stop venting? Because I share a concern, proving I

was paying attention and feel a certain kind of way about

your plight? That's how I genuinely show I care for you!

That's the most authentic expression of caring that I know!"

Her reply: I have nothing else to say.

My inner voice: Something's wrong...

I Began to Fall

This is my interpretation of how to find the bright side
of what appears to be a bleak situation. It's an act that
I continue to work towards, for we all have dark times
where we begin to fall...yet with the right focus...we
can begin to see the light.

Tomorrow is Monday...ALREADY?! I can feel my smile
retreating into its foxhole. My smile's reign of glee was as
triumphant as a raging bull tossing a novice rider. The
majestic power proclaiming its dominance seemed to have
an infinite source...until Sunday evening arrived. Much
like reality as it shatters dreams, the fantasies of youth
crushed by iron rods or steel beams, fate stepped foot
upon the shores of my laugh lines and I...began...to...fall...

Tomorrow is Monday...ALREADY?! My motivating
aspirations struggled tirelessly upon the cliffs of happiness
but as the sun began to fall, the wind began to swirl and
moisture fell upon the soil like quarters and nickels
cracking floors. It was obvious...the more effort I
released, the faster time was corrupted, mutating actions into
exercises in futility. The well-rested feeling I claimed
has now been captured by the sub-plot of my
prime time series...that was doing quite well in the ratings
might I add...but alas...I...began...to...fall...

Tomorrow is Monday...BUT before I go to sleep, I hear
a song I have known all my life, yet the name has always
eluded me. It has the beat of my heart, the words have
always been the same...it sings an invitation to my mind
to retreat into the bliss of my internal glow, the one part of
me that knows the destiny that awaits me. AND...after
Monday...I will be one moment closer to that peace I once
had. So, with this thought...I...willingly...begin...to...fall...

Upside Down, Inside Out

This is an expression of one's embrace of
a chaotic world. Taking ownership of
one's circumstances is not an easy task, but once
this has been done, something interesting happens...

There is a hole forming deep within my chest,
from the inside out;
At first I thought of it as an adverse food reaction,
trapped in an unwanted place;
I admit I didn't foresee the potential impact,
my world turning upside down.

As the frequency increased, so did my awareness,
centered around my heart;
If I had known, I would not be in this position now,
regrets affect perception;
I began feeling lost, attempting to trace the source,
overlooking the obvious;
The hole's size increases with each moment,
sadness, motivation, restlessness, inspiration sets in...

My emotions are now worn as sleeves, sweaters and coats,
hoping all that is seen is my protective attire;
My song and dance must go on until I rectify this matter,
secrets affect perception;
Asking for help would be revealing my treasure,
safeguard it at all costs;
This hole is a now a part of me that I am intent on filling,
my time is coming soon!

My Shoes

Sometimes when I see celebrities or public
figures on TV or online, I wonder what
really goes through their minds. Life in
the spotlight for someone who only wanted
to do what they loved must be a challenge.
The popular author, Sean Carter wrote,
"People say I've changed, but why would
I work this hard to stay the same?"

I never asked to be this sort of infamous,
iconic entity that you usually hear about
in a legend or folktale. I never asked to
have my name abused for pickup lines
or a stimulus for empathy. I never asked
for pedestals to be placed all around me
so that the only way I could move was to
take that step up. I never asked for any
favors, for rules to be bent or broken. I
never asked for any sacrifice to be made
in my name, honor or on my behalf.

Well you might say that although I didn't
ask for these things, I didn't refuse them either.
Contrary to popular belief I have refused more
than anyone could ever imagine. You might say
that it was my choice to have my life take the
turns it has, from the choices I made. You might
say that a person as knowledgeable as myself
clearly knew the consequences of my choices.
You might say that anyone would trade places
with me on any day, because the positives of
my life have to outweigh the challenges and
possible negatives that may come because of
who I am. You might say that I have no right
to feel any emotion other than appreciation. You
might say that...but I would politely disagree.

Until you have walked in my shoes; until you have
been placed in situations where no decision is a good
one for anyone else other than yourself; until you
have the opportunity to seek out your dreams but
have the possibility of losing everything you hold
dear; unless you are me...you can't say a thing...but
then again...by me stating this, I have become a
hypocrite of my own beliefs. For I have never worn
anyone else's shoes...and why should I, mine aren't
always a comfortable fit; but at least I know they are
mine...